The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

August 29, 2001


-


some auto/biographies

_


... i now know my illness consists in _not being anywhere_ ... within me,
there is always a vacancy ... as if a thousand motion-picture projectors
were all going at once ... as if a thousand screens were dissolving simul-
taneously ...

always a murmur ... overtaken by what i recognize ... from the distant
words of others ... i can turn my head to hear them ... as a sickness, the
worst for its defense, taking my _presence_ away from me ...

it is as if I have left the body long ago ... not so much of a stage,
hardly anything theatrical ... even the projectors run silently, not all
of them have film ...

cinema, cinema ...


_


the damp, flooding of the names, things soaking, specters streamed,
sutured momentarily - the thread rots, lips fall open again - greedy eyes
- the video (just before collapse, wet-rot) - carrying the hunger against
our soaking bodies - miami drowning in implicate orders come unraveled -
:soaked murmur drawn, erased, just before, not written on water, but
mildew, the slow slough of culture forgotten - "books don't survive here"
- pages fallen out or down - edges eaten by unknown creatures with
brilliant iridescent wings :wet-world the first flooding the first runtime
- scampered snake with green body and yellow ring near head lizard with
yellow crest against green body yellow birds green bodies then white or
blue birds some flocks of red ones - melding - the equipment broiling down
- insects not insectivores inhabiting cpus - memory filled with hexapods -
dismal - "the" dismal tradition - :fungus :mold :some tall slow-moving
beetles - antenna - just "in case" - flooding of the names, liquid or
poured sounds, sodden, the damp


_


flay


of the richness and dullness of the tropics: stone eaten alive "the
standard inscription no longer holds "in relation" -

substitution remains far too simple:

ef tho richnoss und dallnoss ef tho trepics: steno outon ulivo "tho
stundurd inscriptien ne lengor helds "in rolutien" -

sabstitatien romuins fur tee simplo:

something impossible "to get away with" - decay breaking down "in a manner
dissimilar" to chaos - there is no return: noise seeps:

the dullness and lack of memory of the tropics: of the very swamp
of tha richnass enb bullnass of tha tropics: stona aetan eliva "tha
stenberb inscription no longar holbs "in raletion" -

sudstitution rameins fer too simpla:

af tho richnoss unb bellnoss af tho trapics: stano outon ulivo "tho
stunburb inscriptian na langor halbs "in rolutian" -

sedstitetian romuins fur taa simplo:

somathing impossidla "to gat ewey with" - bacey draeking bown "in e mennar
bissimiler" to cheos - thara is no raturn: noisa saaps:

tha bullnass enb leck of mamory of tha tropics: of tha vary swemp

not even violence to the text - premises of decoding and its problematic -
"the absent body" - erasure - lassitude -
oj the rgchness and dullness oj the tropgcs: stone eaten algve "the
standard gnscrgptgon no lonier holds "gn relatgon" -

substgtutgon remagns jar too sgmple:

ej tho rgchnoss und dallnoss ej tho trepgcs: steno outon ulgvo "tho
stundurd gnscrgptgen ne lenior helds "gn rolutgen" -

sabstgtatgen romugns jur tee sgmplo:

somethgni gmpossgble "to iet away wgth" - decay breakgni down "gn a manner
dgssgmglar" to chaos - there gs no return: nogse seeps:

the dullness and lack oj memory oj the tropgcs: oj the very swamp

oj tha rgchnass enb bullnass oj tha tropgcs: stona aetan elgva "tha
stenberb gnscrgptgon no loniar holbs "gn raletgon" -

sudstgtutgon ramegns jer too sgmpla:

aj tho rgchnoss unb bellnoss aj tho trapgcs: stano outon ulgvo "tho
stunburb gnscrgptgan na lanior halbs "gn rolutgan" -

sedstgtetgan romugns jur taa sgmplo:

somathgni gmpossgdla "to iat ewey wgth" - bacey draekgni bown "gn e mennar
bgssgmgler" to cheos - thara gs no raturn: nogsa saaps:

tha bullnass enb leck oj mamory oj tha tropgcs: oj tha vary swemp

not even vgolence to the text - premgses oj decodgni and gts problematgc -
"the absent body" - erasure - lassgtude -

frenzy of the noon - sleeping


_


what she is thinking she will say


fissures, structure breaks at inscription: breakdowns and the problematic
of mathematics. what crystalline mechanism prevents chaos: cages break
down disseminations: locks contain spews: banks otherwise...the loosening
of the strands, breaking of the vessels...the fissures, structure breaks
at inscription: she is doing her toilet...she breaks down and math is a
problem. what crystalline mechanism gives herself a break..."not to be so
hard on herself"... it's something impossible "to get away with" - decay
breaking down "in a manner" i know this now: "i'm going to break down
here. i'm going to die here. i should be wrapping up here," she says.

she says: "disseminations: locks contain spews: banks otherwise...the
loosening of:of mathematics. what crystalline mechanism prevents chaos:
cages break down:fissures, structure breaks at inscription: breakdowns and
the problematic:inscription: she is doing her toilet...she breaks down and
math is a:"

she says: "the problematic:inscription: she is doing her toilet...she
breaks down and"

she says: "do fissures, structure breaks at inscription: breakdowns and
the problematic replace your disseminations: locks contain spews: banks
otherwise...the loosening of"

she says: "your doll dissolves my !"

she says: "your wraithe dissolves my loosening of:of mathematics. what
crystalline mechanism prevents chaos"

she says: "i'm dying here. my skull is filled with projectors. i'm not
living here. i'm dying here."

_


steam-mold writing


green lizard d leaf snake with banded ring curll turtles esmasteamed so
homes tend to disappear dragonfly lughtso homes tend to be at homes are
supposed to be cad leaves ste dragons edies whameurlrtles cies ces fltutwo
spf frogcaught esudden ois soddrs wiecan't have anything skth npououcan't
keep your name down youre no names aare those y herehere s which te which
fly thing thowl ich slither ts the steamed a curround which comes up
thoseoss legcomes up wh you crawhcrico you in ch meettaker mind your sex
yeamed outdon't have a chance t s to unravel is lost is ouerehatevert in
the is loies strange orange mems yhwor hat caress ortthat redirds ething
belong to you doesn'g that's not yours bnse sometyou se you say want to
die here somt hinath say that's all i can do die here ys togoing to kill
me de iou iy're e coming for me theyo hope tho inscription for hope
the'rere'herothing about hope s ne's nere's curls like the steam tn curls
like the steam hope've got to lose your language youg just caught me in
its grip ththin't know it i ld be anything couthch me die somedont wa i

_


do not leave us, we can't stop speaking


"you are all witnesses," she said, "to this mold-death lizard-death,
this reptilian world, this ancient world, look at the city placed there
in the middle of this mammal-death, this corrosive heap of fur and mold;
a few moments is all that is necessary, wet-rot sets in, i will be
ancient community, you will not know me."

"my words are already tainted with slime-mold, fungi, my eyes bear no
resemblance to sight, look at them."

"you say look at your eyes, look at you, look at your city. you say look
at writing, there is nothing but scrawl, a city is a city, a thing is a
thing, a human is a human."

"you are all witnesses," she said, "i will be city, i will be ancient
community, i will dissolve, this is not my home, this is of the homes of
others, i smell them, they are my scent."

"i am living in the pain and death of others, their odor, they trace
themselves upon me, trace within me, i sense their coming, my eyes are
theirs, my words are theirs, my mind is theirs."

"you say you are theirs, that of scent and odor, you are using us in
your words, you are their cries and whispers, look at them. you say they
are your mind, look at their comings and goings. but you are of many
things your dreams, a human is a human, a city is a city, a thing is a
thing."

"you are all witnesses," she said, "it will not be long, it will be a
moment of another dawn, they are already looking, already becoming
things, the city is built on ancient worlds, reptilian eyes follow me,
they take my body, they pour in my holes, they enter everywhere, i am
that city of the dawn, my eyes are sewn back, they stare at the sun,
they will take my pain away."

"they will not use my mouth to speak, they will not use my hands to
write, nor my arms to gesture, they will not use my fingers to sign you,
one after another sign, they will neither cry nor murmur, they will not
love nor hate, they will be one and living in that city, that place, i
am that city of the dawn."

"you say of silencing, your world, you say of things, there are none, of
minds and mouths, there are none, of signs, there are none. of the
humans, you say nothing, you no longer say of the humans, you no longer
move your hands, your arms, your fingers, you no longer say of
silencing

of the others, of the thinking, you no longer run your fingers through
your hair, you no longer smile, you no longer walk lightly in this
world, no longer walking in the world,

silencing, no longer walking, of your eyes, no longer seeing, of your
name, no longer hearing,

of your names, humans no longer humans, of cities, no longer cities, of
your minds, no longer minds,

others speaking for you, of deaths, whirrings of unknown wings, eyes of
different sights, ancient cities, wet-rot limbs decayed, corrosion
bodies, we

_

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