Message-ID: <Pine.NEB.4.44.0209202244220.12185-100000@panix1.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.aol.com>,
"WRYTING-L : Writing and Theory across Disciplines" <WRYTING-L@LISTSERV.UTORONTO.CA>
Subject: The Blue Tape
Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 22:44:40 -0400 (EDT)
(for the upcoming conference on Kathy Acker - might be of interest. - Alan) The Blue Tape I was still married to Beth and heard Kathy read and Kathy came and Beth moved in with Ed and Bernadette had moved out or moved out then and Beth and I had been together four and a half years more or less. Kathy and I began writing each other; she placed me in the position of her father; I thought she was my soulmate. Ed had a copy of her diary; I pasted the letters in it. Later I gave it to Tom who passed it on to Chris. I don't know where it is now. Kathy came one night when Beth left and the next day and next few days were terrible; we made the tapes - there were more than one - in the midst of the terror. Emily, who had been my student at R.I.S.D., filmed the materials on an EIAJ black-and-white Sony deck, I think 3600. They were filmed at my apartment, which Ed's brother Tom, I think, had found us, on 16h or 17th street; perhaps it was his. I had been working in video and writing; Kathy had been writing; I sugges- ted we do a tape to pay for her coming out from the coast. We got a bit of advance booking. Everything fell apart between us. She had worked in Times Square; I suggested we explore sexuality on the tapes and she agreed. I'd been working on and off in a messy narrative style, which I still do. There was no editing beyond starting and stopping the camera. At least one of the other tapes was an inverse of the one we showed. We pushed things as far as we could. I felt needy. I hated myself. I remember Kathy being suicidal, accidently locked out of the flat when Emily and I took a break; she'd wanted to be alone. Neither of us were in great shape. I forget whether we made the tapes all that day or over a couple of days. I forget the sequence. We showed the tapes at St. Mark's and there was dead silence afterward. Vito was there. I think it was then that Jackson was there as well. Kathy said You've had your fun, children, now go home. or something to that effect. People were upset. Jackson said it was a very brave thing you did. We showed the tape at Yale and everyone laughed. We showed the tape at R.I.S.D. and everyone cried. At R.I.S.D. we went to an opening and someone came on to me who had been a student and I wasn't used to that and she came to the flat on 16th or 17th street and we had a short affair, but that led to another story. I showed the tape at San Diego, or maybe it was Cal Arts, or maybe both. I don't remember. I'd never been able to watch the tape; it was too painful. It still is. After the California showing, I said I didn't want to show it again, and Kathy thought that was ok. (We agreed only to show the tape with mutual consent.) I didn't for years, until it was revived and shown in various places and I'd moved on and so had she. I was teaching at Hartford Art School and asked David to take it in for a grant application; he ran 'the dirty parts' for his students and swore them to secrecy. One of the students told me, crying hysterically, at the end of the year. Kathy thought I was crazy and I thought she was crazy. Sometimes I'd hear a hello from her later on. We did, back at that time, a complex electronic piece for WBAI, again about love, control, etc., the usual subjects. It went well but I don't think it was broadcast, but then I don't know. I don't know where "The Blue Tape" title came from; I don't think we'd given it/them titles, but I'm not sure. What else? I'm glad the tape's out there and being seen again. There was a recent article on it on the net; I thought most of it was wrong or slanted but that's to be expected. Every time it comes up, those days come back to me. And those days are long gone. Bernadette didn't speak to me again. I was with her sister for a while. Vito and I stopped speaking. Around 1977 I moved out of New York and around 1990 I moved back. A lot has happened since then. Alan Sondheim, sondheim@panix.com Work at http://www.anu.edu.au/english/internet_txt http://www.furtherfield.org/asondheim/ Trace Projects at http://trace.ntu.ac.uk/writers/sondheim/index.htm