The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

portrait of the artist


subsequent

when you were young could take the wilderness for granted. young, atomic
energy was a promise and premise of limitless power, who knows what
wonders would be solved world-wide. world mechanized electrical, your
environment composed fuses, motors, vacuum tubes, rheostats, variometers.
public transportation dominate future. industrial based on substance
quantity, coal steel. there two sexes polish radio. fox-trots polkas. sky
gray papers listed which mines working day, closed. deaths miners reported
regularly. bounded by slate-green mountains, slag-piles, thin winding
roads to distant cities, scranton new york. heavy snows tricycles, comfort
an extended family scattered across small town kingston. jews chanukah
parties. old men playing checkers around square in wilkes-barre. still
are. bear, fields middle kingston, dolmen backyard great aunt uncle's.
milk bottles recycled father came home from war. had first sorobon
japanese children's books remember this day. no crime walter winchell
figured valley mafia headquarters it was. pittston another world. fears
floods later earlier. saw comet, studied runes, read about forests.
everything seemed growth. we partners with natural order. magic saturday
afternoon movies, or three cartoons, cowboys. colors truths. school
whispers darkness warmth inconceivable partings attempted suicides ravages
depressions. never recovered depression nineteen-twenty-nine would. i'd
listen short-wave voices hungarian revolution. go walking thick woods
waterfalls streams. america care everyone poor become happy well-fed
wealth redistributed full grace. slaughtered neutron bombs doomsday
machines machinery took fearful life its own. languages walked grace
memory susquehanna. assembled skeleton found carboniferous flora within
layers slate imagined earlier fierce rains crack thunderstorms. at stake.
began counting footsteps everywhere continued them. twice naked female
cousins hidden corners expanding sight. railroad tracks watch
steam-engines. mother perfect cold divided that way, women, coldness men,
darker things. saved bird broken wing set, released, tropical fish graced
tank dining-room, angelfish, angelfish. walk read, tried learn
trigonometry, disciplined enough. dream flying among planets helping
people we'd state somewhere all live happily. always afraid. have
injections allergies weekly basis, get hives lips eyes swollen hardly
breathe sometimes see. wore glasses them constantly aware doubled site.
love woman worked went crazy disappeared she mind grandfather mother's
side kindest nicest person into his attic play mysteries there, they
remained pet snake season baby alligator died so bewildered forgive
parents saddest day life, number alligators crocodiles infinite nature
plentiful, cornucopia, parts same world, war around. sailing, boat sway
lake, wooden slow beautiful, sank dock, drowning every living thing.
brother sister lived house. box names friends magically keep stay forever.
became only friend, secret messages, disappeared, night float stars save
girl most crush knew thinnest crust, fall through, wasn't even matter
time, happening thought myself worthless coward. hurricane happiest moment
ever, grappled our nature, breathed pure violent gales. cash register bank
black machine showed films tiny screen hand-cranked miracles motion unlike
any other television distant-sight, often test patterns favorite screen.
cried whenever things destroyed movies television, falling apart, going
through crust. medical trials volumes nuremberg trials, wrote almost
kicked out school, those horrors me animals their way. i fill space worlds
my own creation. these kindness slowly move coward, hiding everyone.
dominated absolutely temper, hide understood. solace refuge me, memories.
made telescopes. watched forever participate. watching outside kill alone.

Thu Oct 24 16:45:12 EDT 2002

early source

when you were young you could take the wilderness for granted. when you
were young, atomic energy was a promise and a premise of limitless power,
and who knows what wonders would be solved world-wide. when you were
young, the world was mechanized and electrical, and your environment was
composed of fuses, motors, vacuum tubes, rheostats, variometers. when you
were young, public transportation would dominate the future. and when you
were young, the industrial world was based on substance and quantity, coal
and steel. when you were young, there were two sexes and polish on the
radio. when you were young there were fox-trots and polkas. when you were
young, the sky was gray and the papers listed which mines were working for
the day, which were closed. when you were young, the deaths of miners were
reported regularly. when you were young, the world was bounded by
slate-green mountains, slag-piles, thin winding roads to distant cities,
scranton and new york. when you were young, there were heavy snows and
tricycles, and the comfort of an extended family scattered across the
small town of kingston. when you were young, there were jews and chanukah
parties. when you were young, there were the old men playing checkers
around the square in wilkes-barre. there still are. when you were young,
there were bear, and fields in the middle of kingston, and a dolmen in the
backyard of your great aunt and uncle's. when you were young, milk bottles
were recycled and your father came home from a war. when you were young,
you had your first sorobon and japanese children's books you remember to
this day. when you were young, there was no crime and walter winchell
figured the valley for the mafia headquarters it was. when you were young,
pittston was another world. when you were young, there were fears of
floods which came later and earlier. when you were young, you saw a comet,
studied runes, and read about forests. when you were young, everything
seemed old growth. when you were young, we seemed in partners with the
natural order. when you were young, the magic of saturday afternoon
movies, two or three cartoons, the cowboys. when you were young there were
colors and truths. when you were young, your school was your world. when
you were young, there were whispers in the darkness and the warmth of
inconceivable partings and attempted suicides and the ravages of
depressions. when you were young the valley had never recovered from the
depression of nineteen-twenty-nine and never would. when you were young
i'd listen to the short-wave world and the voices of the hungarian
revolution. when you were young, i'd go walking with your father in thick
woods with waterfalls and streams. when you were young, america would take
care of everyone and the poor would become happy and well-fed and wealth
would be redistributed and the world would be full of grace. when you were
young the world would be slaughtered by neutron bombs or doomsday machines
and machinery took on a fearful life of its own. when you were young there
were languages and we walked the woods with the grace of the memory of the
susquehanna. when you were young you assembled a skeleton and when you
were young you found carboniferous flora within the layers of coal and
slate and imagined walking the earlier and earlier and earlier forests.
when you were young there were fierce rains and the crack of
thunderstorms. when you were young your life was at stake. when you were
young you began counting your footsteps everywhere and continued counting
and counting them. when you were young you were twice naked with your
female cousins in hidden corners of expanding sight. when you were young
you would go with your father to the railroad tracks and watch and listen
to the steam-engines. when you were young your mother was perfect and your
father was cold and everything divided that way, the warmth of the women,
coldness of the men, and whispers of darker things. when you were young we
saved a bird with a broken wing which was set, and the bird released, and
when you were young tropical fish graced a tank in the dining-room, and
you remember the angelfish, the angelfish. when you were young, you would
walk and walk and read and read, and tried to learn trigonometry, and were
never disciplined enough. when you were young you would dream of flying
among planets and helping people and helping poor people everywhere and
we'd found a state somewhere in the middle of america and we would all
live there happily. when you were young, you were always afraid. when you
were young, you would have injections for allergies on a weekly basis, and
you would get hives and your lips and eyes would become swollen and you
could hardly breathe and sometimes hardly see. when you were young, you
wore glasses and wore them constantly and were always aware of the doubled
world of site. when you were young you were in love with a woman who
worked for your family and went crazy and disappeared and when you were
young she was always in your mind and when you were young your grandfather
on your mother's side was the kindest nicest person in the world. when you
were young, you would go into his attic and play with the mysteries there,
and there were always mysteries everywhere and they remained mysteries and
always would. when you were young you had a pet snake for a season and a
baby alligator which died and was so bewildered and you could never
forgive your parents and it was the saddest day of your life, and when you
were young the number of alligators and crocodiles was infinite and nature
was plentiful, a cornucopia, and we were all parts of the same world, and
there was war in the world, and the war was all around. when you were
young, we went sailing, and the boat would sway on the lake, and the boat
was wooden and slow and beautiful, and when you were young, the boat sank
at the dock, and it was the drowning of every living thing. when you were
young, your brother and sister and you lived in the same house. when you
were young, you had a small box with the names of your friends and you
would magically keep the names there and your friends would stay forever.
when you were young, you became your only friend, and would read your
secret messages, and everyone disappeared, and at night you would float
among the stars and planets and you would save the girl you had the most
crush on in the world. when you were young, you knew the world was the
thinnest crust, and everything would fall in and through, and it wasn't
even a matter of time, it was happening every day. when you were young,
you thought myself a worthless coward. when you were young, you went
walking in a hurricane and this was your happiest moment ever, and nature
grappled with our world, and it was the same world, and the same nature,
and we breathed the pure violent gales. when you were young, you had a
cash register bank in black and a black machine that showed films on a
tiny screen and was hand-cranked and the films were miracles of motion
unlike any other in the world. when you were young, television was
distant-sight, and the screen was often test patterns and that was your
favorite screen. when you were young, you cried whenever you saw things
destroyed in the movies or on television, and you thought the world was
falling apart, and we were going through the crust. when you were young
you read the medical trials volumes of the nuremberg war trials, and you
wrote about them and were almost kicked out of school, and those horrors
remained with me forever. when you were young, all animals were perfect in
their way. when i was young, i wrote to fill the space of the world with
worlds of my own creation. when i was young, these worlds were a comfort
and a kindness and i could slowly move within them. when i was young, i
was a coward, hiding from everyone. when i was young, my father dominated
absolutely with his temper, and i would hide and never understood. when i
was young, my mother was a solace and a refuge and a world. when i was
young, my father would go walking in the woods with me, and these were my
happiest memories. when i was young, i made telescopes. when i was young,
i watched the world forever and knew i would never participate. when i was
young, i was watching from outside the world. when i was young, i knew i
could never kill a living thing. when i was young, i was alone. when i was
young, i could take the wilderness for granted.

Thu Oct 24 16:45:12 EDT 2002

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