The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

November 23, 2002


hunting the skein. when there isn't. it's one man knowing. the bomb's
here. it's one man to one signal. it's one guy willing. it's a matter of
hours. it's a matter of minutes. of seconds. there's no operatives.
there's one operative.  he's decided. the fuel was stolen a while ago. it
was lost a while ago.  this is already fact. there are kilos missing. he's
got it and he's got the bomb. they can't spread out and find him. he knows
no one. he's unlisted. he's unregistered. he came through canada. he came
through mexico. by boat. by plane. by car. foot. he's here. he's across
the river. he's across the other river. he travels alone. he's broken all
connections. no one speaks to him. no cellular. no radio, no
transmissions. no email and no connections. no broken connections. he's on
his own. he's an agent of no one. he can't be traced.

they've got the others. they torture now. there's no other way. they shock
the balls, the cunt. they cut pieces off. everyone talks or doesn't. it
makes no difference. he's expulsion. he's particle. they're rounding up.
they're never any closer. they're never any farther. they're in different

the machine is there. the machine is hidden. it's not in the truck. it's
not anywhere. he's not waiting for it. nothing is waiting. he's connected
to the machine. he doesn't write anything. he doesn't read anything. there
are no signals. there's no hidden agenda. there's no agenda.

it's one man to one signal. he has the signal. he has the application of
the signal. the signal is a lever. the signal is a button. the signal is a
keyboard. it's not a key. it's not a circuit. there are no keys. there are
no circuits.

they've got the leader. they've got the inner circle. they've got the
outer circle. they've read the email. they've monitored the transmissions.
they've intercepted. they've interfered. they've included and they've cut
off. they have photographs and recordings. they have evidence and prints.
they have dna and voice. they have names and addresses. they have plans
and passports.

they know everything.

the man moves towards his thing. the man keys in.


hunting there the isn't. skein. it's when one there man isn't. knowing.
it's the one bomb's man hunting knowing. the bomb's when here. it's to
it's signal. matter guy it's willing. one a to matter one of signal.
hours. matter minutes. there's seconds. operatives. there's hours. no it's
operatives. a operative.  was he's stolen decided. a fuel ago. was it
stolen there's while operative. ago. he's it decided. lost already this
kilos is missing. already he's fact. was are a kilos while missing. ago.
got can't and out bomb. he they knows can't got spread it out and find got
him. the he bomb. knows they one. unregistered. unlisted. came
unregistered. canada. came came through no canada. one. mexico. by by car.
boat. foot. plane. here. car. across foot. through across by river. river.
other he's travels the alone. river. broken across all the connections.
speaks speaks no cellular. no radio, no transmissions. and email
connections. on email his agent own. of an one. agent he be he's traced.
an they've torture others. no torture way. now. they way. the shock they
balls, pieces cunt. everyone cut or pieces doesn't. off. it everyone the
talks balls, or the doesn't. cunt. makes difference. difference.
expulsion. expulsion. particle. particle. rounding they're up. rounding
makes up.  no never they're any never closer. any farther. different in
never different any worlds.

machine hidden. there. not hidden. it's not machine truck. the anywhere.
for waiting is for waiting. it. he's nothing connected waiting. anywhere.
connected not machine. anything. doesn't doesn't write read anything.
anything. read the signals. no hidden there's agenda. no has of
application signal. signal button. lever. is button. signal keyboard. a
key. no circuit. keyboard. keys. key. circuits.

leader. inner inner the circle. they've outer they've email. monitored
monitored transmissions. intercepted. they've interfered. they've included
and have recordings. photographs they recordings. evidence evidence off.
prints.  have dna names voice. addresses. names plans addresses. have
plans voice. passports.

know everything.

moves his towards thing. thing. man keys the in. man


beating myself up

it's only my boorishness that carries me along. no one likes my work. my
friends support me. my work's terrible, awkward, out of line, too porno-
graphic, too tiresome. it fosters false debates. it does nothing for
anyone who doesn't know me. i'm not invited to readings or group screen-
ings and when i have a screening the film/video community doesn't show and
in town i don't do readings. i've given and given to the community; i've
broken my back for it; i've curated myself in atlanta and new york and
i've edited people's work in anthologies and showed their work in media
venues and brought them to schools and i'm still out here penurious and
grotty and besides myself with heinous anger and an inability to focus or
crash except by hurting myself and refusing to carry on the video or film
or other medium that no one wants to see anyway. i have a reputation for
aggression and spamming and getting in everybody's way and dissing the
purity of free exchange and besmirching it and were it not for this my
work would die moribund on the bottom of the ocean where better it lie.
i lose friends over my depression and the ilk of my work proceeding in
fits and starts and self-hatred which is my own little cultivated realm
which is what i have to offer. i am constantly jealous of success of
everyone and wish for my own success and it does not come. my friends go
to openings for themselves and screenings at big international festivals
and i walk around with tiny minidvs strapped to my back saying 'please
won't you look at this' 'please won't you buy this' 'take my heinous tiny
wares and do with them what you might.' i have offered my filmwork to
anyone who might reuse the stock as slug or cutup for other students while
it sits moribund in public storage where anyone can look at it and no one
does i think because i get no records from the place that would even hint
at a screening. i am not boorish there because i have given up there on
the film because i know where i am not wanted and the only thing to do is
give up on that heinous business and continue in heinous pecuniary loss
and anxiety because that is all i am given in life because i do not get
grants because i am not within any community. in fact the last real grant
i received was over a quarter of a century ago and if i could only return
then i would not be so boorish perhaps but i would be because it is in my
nature to be unlikable and whining continually although other people say i
have full victory over my failings i do not.

death clout



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