Message-ID: <Pine.NEB.4.61.0502271319480.27923@panix3.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.aol.com>,
"WRYTING-L : Writing and Theory across Disciplines" <WRYTING-L@LISTSERV.UTORONTO.CA>
Subject: as if this were a performance
Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2005 13:19:56 -0500 (EST)
as if this were a performance CATALYST >> which it is not. it is a cyclone of performance, you have it all, there are no images, no sound coming through, no interactive, no audience. nothing but the typing as if there were, as if i were somewhere else. look, for example, out of that window, there is nothing, but perhaps would be, at anothertime. inside my mind i woke up this morning, terrified, of starvation, this drives me, thinking about Sam Harri's book on religion and rationality and terror as well, it is brilliant, but perhaps not as brilliant as that man walkin on the roof of the church or was it a factory, visible from the back window here where we live, then figured perhaps if i kill myself azure will survive, better, then how selfish that would be, she would inherit what i have, but then i wouldn't be around in my moody neurotic self which is stressed to encompass death, i think, at every moment, or am hypochondriac, perhaps that is spelled wrong, i am reason a novel by the partner of my daughter and it is brilliant, but what can i do in the world nothing, i will aNSWER that, of no audience here, money is everything, we would use momney against them and keep just enough for ourselves, welived on azure's students loans last semester, just that, and soe small extras but small, i think perhaps thirteen thousand altogether, we have to pay back, the cost of this place, my life, is less than a cannon or a car, less than a vacatoin or a spa, more than a country or a village, but we have our ecological footprint reduced as much as possible, it is recyling all the way except for equipment which strangles me, yesterday found a book for two dollars in german on the current state of scientific research into elctricity at that point which was 1781, there it was waiting for me, now there is money all around me, if i could only take it i'd heal myself heal the world, another book, a dictionary from 1848 french into english and english into french, many words i have not known in either language, i am working through the archives of the world i will reach the end i will die at that point and all the archives will die with me and wittgenstein azure will continue and my relatives will continue and my friends there are some friends who are already no longer continuing i should consider muyself lucky the radio is on there are no problems to encounter in new jersey heavy traffic on the westside highway those people have cars and other vehicles, they couldn't be there if they didn't so i read parts of orwell's down and out in london and paris and got stuck on the image of the jew just there just like there, a storm is heading our ay, reading zipe's translation of grimm's fairy tales, did you read the one about the jew in the thornbush, i remember that somewhere along the line when i was a kid when i wa a kid a read a book about a cocker spaniel the nuremburg war trials volumes 1 and 2 the mediacal trials the fairytale about the jew in the thornbush a magazine i got from the american foresty association the greek and roman plays in trnaslation i liked antigone who i proncounced, well i pronounced her name anti-gone, as if, just wait, i'll be around after you, i'm gone "but also' anti-gone, yes, yes, yes i take dismal pleasure in that a piece of my work i don't know which, aybe just a word like codework will surivive a century from now (now they're talking about the oscars so that i'll drag the memory of culture family famly ciulture beind me, in won'd be around to know or see but i have my dreams, of course yes yes yes i have my dreams, theywill go on until the money goes out or i go out or the oney and i go out, not that we 'go out' together, there's no one to go out, just realized, as if this were a performance, no images! video! real sound! to hold on to, the demons come out to play in my brnai, there they are, there's no other eal, these demons and the radio and the man on the roof and a fairly silent sunday morning in the iddle of the city snow coming it's gonig to be an oscar party day someone said i was raw in my job betging i have no other gifts to give and not even that what is an encounter between teaching and being taught and both are taught and are teaching we don't know how to listen, hoave you evder heard that, thank you time for questions wait i'll get the lights on, or someone will i don't know where to find the swithc ==