The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

writing under migraine
writing this with eyes shut - the light flashes are brilliant, slight buzz
in the eas, the usual reverse-C pattern is distroted, ragged, for some
reason - not sure - the strokes are identical though - except there are
blue/black/yellow-white - perhaps why I find those colors hideous? in the
middle of the installation mostly pinks and reds, tissue, but yes, an
avoidance of this. convera=sation behind me, loud, we're in a cafe, I
don't want to go out into the sunlight p it would be too much to handle.
coupled with a second a few days ago and coupled further with a crisis
i've been going through, worry abou surviving it the insomnia raging
although last night i took ambien for the first time might be contributing
to the migraine, not sure - reverse C into Z - it's not staying table,
slight nausea  growing a bit this is severe - thinking as Azure says
worried about me for the first time actually feeling as if i'm old, think
that hit after not getting the wvu grants so we're disconnected from that
university - the result is no university affiliation and back in the loft
talking to myself, that kind of garrett writing that doesn't do anyone any
good internet notwithsatnding - so the result - that the writing seeps out
becomes maudlin - that piece i just sent out with the text that was then
modified several times - i think it was yesterday morning - the
modifications are great, the first paragraph hideous - i don't seem to be
able to get byeond the hideous at this point - the Z- has warped into a
blunted v-shaped pattern with wide separation  the geometry's not constant
here - topology is - it's moved to the upper and lower portions of the
visual field with closed eye s- wonder why for me it always opens to the
left - in other words revser C which is non-symmetric - headache slightly
more inthe perfrontal right lobe i think - well fells it's from there, who
knows - on the left side more of a dull beat - breating irregular - every
night i think - i'm going to die soon, i've done nothing, i wont know the
weather the next day, what azure will think or say the morning after,
whether our cat will miss me - well this brings tears to my eyes - this is
totally self indulgent but it's my own personal hell which grows day by
day at thispoint - there's no literature in it - heard Lyotard was
frightened beyod elief before he died - David Bohm almost collapsee d - I
think maybe did collapse -- over insecurity in terms of where he was
living - we're up i the air GIVE US A REASON TO COME AND WE'LL BE THERE,
but who would want to hideous slouching behind azure, the pattern has gone
down to a signnle line or the other is outside the visual field which is
iteresting, there's a color change,  some sortof dull sphere on the lower
right, i have no explanation for this but a pool where the zigzag seems to
be gathering - someone just gave me two advil  well when i began typing
this, perhaps that is making the change, the headache has moved from the
frontal to the right-hand brain top and more to the right-side the left
it's gone away, the nauseua is increasing, slight panic attack coming on i
must look ridiculous typing this i a restaurant eyes closed - i just want
to know i have a few years maybe a decade left - just to keep working -
i'm knowing nothing, the little success i'm having i wish i had decades
ago when i could have appreciated it - now i'm a relic - playing agan
january 25 - this all based on stuff recorded in the 50s at leat they
allow me to record again at times -- i worry aboutesp-disk and its
reputation although at least now they're trying to set things right -
maybe it will work, esp was in an inpossible situation but not as
impossible as the musicians, music pounding into my head although it's
low, something popular, i don't know, i don't know popular tunes - just a
remanant up the upper right, a few flashes and reverberations, vibrations,
that's all, the field is gone, the headache is a bit stronger, isn't that
how it always is, i sho0uld leave here, aking a spectacle of myself, im
not blind, what am i doing typing away, probably mistake after mistake,
sometimes i catch them - for all i know my hands have slipped on the keys
- that's what my life has een like - keys sllippe all over the place - i
regret my regrets, that's about as dead and dull as it gets... will stop
now don't want to bore you, it sounds like someone is singing on and on,
that's on wait, on and on, think i have that right, i'm not breathig
enough - more tests and sleep clinic coming up, alreadyhad xrays and
consultations and bloodwork twice, something is bound to show up, idon't
want to live like this, it burdens mywork, infects it...

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