The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

triggers -

thoughts of death and annihilation
-- when i can't get dying out of my mind
-- when i find annihilation intolerable
-- when i'm living through my death and annihilation

thoughts of events immediately after my death
-- when i think of azure seeing, something, anything, immediately
after my death
-- when i think of my loved belongings, dispersed, on unknown journeys
-- when i think of the matrix of my life dissolving
-- when i can't express this to others

remembering my father's behavior towards me
-- when i think of growing up in a horizon of tempers and screaming
-- when my mother remained aloof or blind to this
-- when i remember crumbling under psychic violence
-- when i can't express this to others
-- when i can't deal with authority, including my own
-- when i deconstruct authority to the point of abjection and

my sister's behavior, violence, and power of attorney
-- when i she doesn't give me even a modicum of respect
-- when i see her collusion with my father and his blind spot with her
-- when i see my father rejecting his sons
-- when i think about any of this

my sexuality uneasily escaping fantasy, ghosting everywhere
-- when the fantasy mixes art and the real world
-- when i my work makes others uncomfortable
-- when i can't deal with my own sexuality
-- when i feel i'm distorted, ugly, ogre, meagre
-- when i express myself poorly to others

fear of becoming homeless
-- when i find our financial situation one of constant loss and
-- when i try to come to grips with stress and find this inconceivable
-- when i find peacefulness inconceivable
-- when i worry that everything i've accomplished will disappear
-- when i fear i have accomplished nothing

fear of losing azure
-- when i realize she has to be saint and martyr to survive with me
-- when i inadvertently hurt or or withdraw because of triggering
-- when she gets exhausted over the same old thing of mine
-- when i feel i never pay her enough attention
-- when i realize how much i love her and it's frightening, thinking
she has saved me
-- when i worry about salvation from anywhere
-- when i feel hopeless

fear of triggering
-- when i feel the thoughts coming, and find no way to stop them
-- when my life seems almost catatonic and surviving under onslaught
-- when everything feels neutralized and joyless
-- when i recognize the history of the planet as one of continuous
-- when i know that triggering only leads to the abyss
-- when i sense the chemicals taking over, the intrinsic processes
of my body out of control
-- when i sense that being out of control is a permanent condition
-- when i feel my mind turns against me in every direction
-- when i feel the presence of authority, for this always diminishes me
-- when i live a life of absolute and permanent regret
-- when my joy carries the seeds of its own destruction on the surface

for i know that triggering
-- is an irreversible descent, carrying my world with it
-- transforms my world into the world, so there is no escape
-- turns suicide neither into a question nor an answer, but defuge and
-- when alternatives decay
-- when i can't speak but bluster, when i lose my breath, when i sweat
profusely, when i cry uncontrollably, when i become dizzy and stumble
about, when fear cries from every pore, when 'anything' sets me off,
sets me shaking, when the very thought of triggers bring legions of
-- and when i, in despair, remain on the surface of spews, seethings,
abjections, untoward and extreme sexualities, pushing art and life to
the limit, returning with nothing but fear, shame, exhaustion -
returning with nothing usable, nothing at all

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