Message-ID: <alpine.NEB.2.00.1008210049040.20181@panix3.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.wvu.edu>, Wryting-L <WRYTING-L@listserv.wvu.edu>
Subject: Viola Jokes
Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2010 00:49:11 -0400 (EDT)
Viola Jokes What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Vibrato. Why is a viola solo like a bomb? The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings. Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back? Upward mobility. How does a violist's brain cell die? As far as you can kick it. What's the definition of a minor second? Neither did I. What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?" Alone. What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? No one cries when you cut up a viola. What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? Because he can't lean back in his chair. What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? Move him back a desk. What's the difference between a viola and an onion? Because deep down they are all very nice people. What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in. What instrument do violists envy most? Take your foot off his head. Did you hear about the violist who played in tune? Put it in a viola case. What's the latest crime wave in New York City? You could fit in at least one more. How is lightning like a violist's fingers? None. They're not small enough to fit. Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants? All those positions! Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? Neither one strikes in the same place twice. How was the canon invented? Divide the metronome marking by 2. What is the definition of a cluster chord? Because no one will look for them. What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?" Both are paid to fake climaxes. What is the range of a Viola? A viola section playing on the C string. What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it. Why did the violist marry the accordion player? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany? Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim. How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hold the viola from memory. Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra? The seamstress tucks up the frills. Why do violists have pea-sized brains? It saves time. Why don't violists play hide and seek? Write a whole note with "solo" above it. Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? Two violists were trying to play the same passage together. Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under? They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound. What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub? Everyone is happy when the case is closed. How do you call a violist with two brain cells? Because alcohol has swelled them. What do you do with a dead violist? The coffin has the dead person on the inside. Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it? Drive-by viola recitals. How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Mark it "solo." How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Pregnant. How do you keep a violist from drowning? Vegetable soup. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? The bow is moving. How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? Two violists playing in unison. How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.