The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

August 21, 2010

Viola Jokes

    What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

    Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
           The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

    Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
           Upward mobility.

    How does a violist's brain cell die?
           As far as you can kick it.

    What's the definition of a minor second?
           Neither did I.

    What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"

    What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
           No one cries when you cut up a viola.

    What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
           Because he can't lean back in his chair.

    What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
           Move him back a desk.

    What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
           Because deep down they are all very nice people.

    What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
           They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

    What instrument do violists envy most?
           Take your foot off his head.

    Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
           Put it in a viola case.

    What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
           You could fit in at least one more.

    How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
           None. They're not small enough to fit.

    Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
           All those positions!

    Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
           Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

    How was the canon invented?
           Divide the metronome marking by 2.

    What is the definition of a cluster chord?
           Because no one will look for them.

    What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
           Both are paid to fake climaxes.

    What is the range of a Viola?
           A viola section playing on the C string.

    What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
           Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

    Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
           By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

    Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
           Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

    How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
           Hold the viola from memory.

    Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
           The seamstress tucks up the frills.

    Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
           It saves time.

    Why don't violists play hide and seek?
           Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

    Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
           Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

    Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
           They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

    What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
           Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

    How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
           Because alcohol has swelled them.

    What do you do with a dead violist?
           The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

    Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
           Drive-by viola recitals.

    How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
           Mark it "solo."

    How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?

    How do you keep a violist from drowning?
           Vegetable soup.

    How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
           The bow is moving.

    How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
           Two violists playing in unison.

    How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
           You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Double Seance for Stephen Dydo and Adam Tobin

Rhythm from the Casio SK-1 with lead viola

Best yet because of accompaniment; in 4, it's a continuous chord and
in 3 it's a series held in the SK-1's limited memory - starting and
stopping create the stanzaic structure of the piece.

Ah if I could only make money from my God-Given talent, what I would
do, after paying off my debts, to better this beautiful world!

Knots and Twirls in Super Second Living Space

This goes on and on. So far so good, these are abacuses, objects counted,
not too much out of line. If metaphor's involved, it's indexical. But then
perhaps I bring in libido (Dionysian, analogic) and superego (Apollonian,
digital), and I'm off and running. Before long I'm tied in Lacan's knots,
a slippage that's always productive - how can it knot be? Language begins
to curl, everything proceeds with a poetics of the real, and I'm lost, I'm
lost... weather" or knot strings: used for knots, Borromean knots, imperm-
anent subjectivities woven out of clotted postings.

And of the theory of knots. The midst of the embraiding of sheaves with
mass knots, a story or displacement of organs, the linking of knots, and
I'm off and running. Before long I'm tied in Lacan's knots, Borromean
knots, impermanent subjectivities woven out of clotted embroidery. The
midst of the embraiding of sheaves with mass flagu flagv *knotsu *knotsv
*bezt charidx kern nurb *bevobj *taperobj knots, in knots each other into
violent knots. They do go back.

A hollow tube closed with knots at both ends, Pestilence's canoe was
quickly, Borromean knots, impermanent subjectivities woven out of clotted
postings. I hung them from the window, I've tied myself in knots ... you
could see the s/ms as 'controls': bondages, knots, sheaves, sadisms,
ideological part- clots of subjectivities, knots and noted - each other
into violent knots. They do go back to the knobs of the trees and their

This topology with me, knots unraveling, coalescing no, you are many, are
gnarls or knots in the timber, to an insufficiently high cutting-speed, so
"Soften your sharpness, loosen your knots."

And my stomach's in knots. I'm falling over. I'm crawling, knotted up,
knotted, so ill, they twirl, buckle and unbuckle constantly, forming and
unforming, raveling and unraveling - with rafters, with the bark on high,
the bark on high above.

- Do look into this, especially if you know people involved in archives. 
I'm not sure what the status of this is, at the moment, but it's 
unbelievable. - Alan

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