Message-ID: <alpine.NEB.2.00.1008292048010.1794@panix3.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.wvu.edu>, Wryting-L <WRYTING-L@listserv.wvu.edu>
Subject: Thinking About Retiring
Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2010 20:48:23 -0400 (EDT)
Thinking About Retiring I'm considering retirement; I'm asking for advice (back-channel); I'm at a loss; I never thought I'd reach this point; it's a point of solitude; no offline community, students, teaching; useless beyond occasional online talks. I write too much, play (music) too much, think too much; it's too much for me; too much for anyone; it's me. My friends don't return calls; why should they; school's starting; all those residencies; commitments; I sit in this loft (assume it's "this loft"); face the computer screen; the viola; the keyboard; the video editing software; the guitar; the oud; I decide what to do; I owe nothing to anyone. People visit on occasion; use one or another of my pieces (video or music), disappear. I haven't seen Myk (lap steel) for months; he's gone. I put work up at ESP-Disk; assume someone listens; it's gone. Grants are gone; jobs are gone; I tire from calling friends who don't have the time to return calls; I sit here; I think this is a bother; admire my father who watches tv day in day out; takes rides in the country; babbles; never did a creative thing in his life; gave me chances I wouldn't otherwise have had; psychologically abused me; has been retired over forty years; reads sometimes. I need to know what to do; I'm getting suicidal; I live in vacuum; compose in vacuum; think philosophy or dance or art in vacuum; push my own work like an arrogant fool; wait for no returns; wait for the money to run out; the building to collapse around me. I don't want to go back to school as a student; tour aimlessly around the country; volunteer for non-profits; my mind's still active. Invitations to schools; for performances; for equipment use; have stopped. I'm sick of the screen; this forced retirement; my sins have caught up with me; my numerous crimes have taken their toll; you know where to find me; you just don't know why. Retire the cull: wonder so many of us retire to the relative safety of cyberspace; here, each segment! will retire all the others... the segments... respects, seemed to him to be faultless. He had to retire to an uneasy each segment! will retire all the others... the segments... I would be a niter. I would retire from the machine. Perhaps I have a better retire for this - how many were killed today - I can't remember a They retire in aversion or fear. each segment! will retire all the others... the segments... terrific gunfire meets advancing foe; defenders retire coolly each segment! will retire all the others... the segments... female was just retiring to an inner room, when she suddenly came back this terminated the dialogue, Julia retiring to her own room, carrying me if retirement is a bridge that must be crossed when we get there leisure and retirement by systematically shirking any labor Suicide, the cull, far too many over 16 years: embryo suicide suicide embryo like now i think of suicide and hills O suicide O gnawed-blade hole O tourniquet punished by foaM Do listen to all smallthing suicide and leaping, say Alan Fear of deep death and do suicide. I would die. I want to die. I am so fantasy. I am so suicide. and suicide, say Alan and Nikuko [someone threatens suicide: does s/he really?] craw - a couple of other poets and myself have suicide poems in them. seppuku, suicide; shite, hero or shes elsewhere, suicide and leaping, say Alan and (cond (suicide-flag (dor-type ($ deathlst))) or suicide long gone wrong. "or rather suicided along with opera." 'death)731: discipline lesbian murder infidelity hardcore suicide (dor-put-meaning suicide 'death) (dor-put-meaning suicides 'death) -- turns suicide neither into a question nor an answer, but defuge and . subway tunnel collapses as plastique and suicide bombers do their work 1973 I think this was the year Gail Klaymink (sp?) committed suicide; as I 2006 Barry Sugarman committed suicide; he was the hand drummer in our I am incapable of keeping lines open and running, the wires suicide, Alan, hoping I haven't let you down. Too many people here talking suicide. Cybermind list. May 8, he committed suicide. He was a brilliant trans- Designed to withstand suicide, it totters, but does it? Do you ever think the whole world roars, that one can hear engines suicide Electricity itself, and an odd suicide (humans/dynamo) constitute the GIVE ME A SIGN; it is another night of suicide on this wider earth; I Hello, yes, peace be with you, hello! I commit suicide! Humans Hoffman a suicide, the rest of them either dead or in remission! This is I am incapable of keeping lines open and running, the wires suicide, I'll bet that you don't *really* want to commit suicide, do you? If so, If _the continuity girl_ commits suicide, does she break continuity? For If this were a suicide note, I would leave you my all. You would hear my Koresh or the BD said there would be no suicide. Obviously May suicide. He Mizu, water; Nikuko, meat-girl; seppuku, suicide; shite, hero or hero- Mizu, water; Nikuko-oozing, meat-girl; seppuku, suicide; shite, hero or NEVER ENOUGH. SUICIDE SQUAD patriot suicide squad. Net sex, Net flame, Net ennui, Net suicide. Now towards evening, Machine sleeps suicide quietly. What morning will Russian might have said? Clearly to obstruct suicide is evil. If a child Schneider says no one is coming out, no suicide, <k>denied Koresh THEORY_NOISE that just went on and on, suicide background and foreground That suicide, The I-wound opens up, splits the body; what gushes forth, like suicide, The There in evil will will coupled destroy suicide The decision against suicide brings proof to the mountain. They refuse the suicide, and even the sky fills with acronyms, inconceiv- This is not a suicide announcement. This isn't a preface to a twenty volume suicide note, Treatment is almost always unnecessary, unless the theme is suicide or Trying 134.115.4.238...old, energy and suicide Two high school girls from Kasuya, Fukuoka committed suicide yesterday We are patriot suicide squad. You know, the whole world is electrified, suicide along on whatever funda- You're always killing yourself, it's a kind of suicide, they're laughing ability to write, i'll be a suicide, no longer existent. well now as you again; death stalks me all my life. I live with the potential of suicide; age close of unclear. with to unclear. time, to suicide, time, eighth ahlfwillingly. we used to discuss a lot about suicide. when he sensed all any more than if i'm building /dev/nul it doesn't mean suicide or already a century old, energy and suicides already century old, energy and suicides an light area kiss fiber my chaos was in to suicide an oddly retroactive form of suicide. and death, about suicide/murder, _Lustmord,_ Jenny Holzer: What's going and illness, perhaps suicide bombing, slow attrition by forgetting, and j g suicide down by the river, gratitude towards authors, after doing and over again, for suicide as the least harmful and suicide were all entangled in the television image constricted rattle and want it like this, suicide when i can't work any longer, when i become anti-faustic dog nebula dog anti-faustic bar embryo bar embryo bar suicide be of me, would not be anywhere. If this were a suicide note, you would behind, still on, suicide away... blood, disinvests the world with its poverties and suicides. At the edge boasting, will lists, the i suicide restaurant there's out, i in know, bottom all around the shore, where it is visited by suicidebirds in burning the books. the books are suicides. carried out. Later, after his suicide, she asked whether he said anything chaos drives officer to suicide chaos was in to suicide road cracking ## bubble ## the circuitry suicide, no one's around commit suicide." "Great Kant, As a believer calls to his God, I call committed suicide on the JUNGLE GYM at his school. I never had a CRUSH on committed suicide. One of them died by hanging from a playground jungle coupled There with is suicide covered and ugly, i am not a lovely suicidebird, lover, her nightmare created us from the soil and water of the earth the suicide bomber is danger, suicide was the first option that occurred to him. i dont blame decompositions bacteria vegetation and suicidebirds and sparrows and dev deviously, just as she lived, a case of possible murder, suicide, disappear. well. on. physical. collapses. forever. lost. suicide. think. discipline 731: pack dumb, stab discipline suicide things pack leave discipline torture stab our things suicide artist discipline leave but disease, inundation, mafia and gang rule, suicide bombers, new forms of diseases and wars take over from depression and suicide. domestic violence and suicide). philosophy, medicine, healing, peace, war dor-$ deathlst suicide kill killing yourself t (If you are really drugs, suicides, ened suicide and then gave a number cut off half-way through i was there face which moved smoothly as he stepped forward against the suicide that flames, suicide, Lauren Hutton, distributed intelligence, Tonya Harding, for this reason I'd all his attack on postmodernism a kind of suicide; his friends were threatening suicide frightened f for s suicide. l lying a awake a at n night l like this i i f give me suicide, let me relax a bit go suicide, graveyard ditty, the mutual consolations of suicide lovers has disappeared. But comfort alleviates suicide, and one may stay in this heart, double suicide, you are inside my heart, i will kill myself, i will hearts, wa wa inside heart, wa wa double suicide, wa wa you are inside my her, sustaining herself on suicide wings with clinched talons, as if i considered suicide as a bypass immobilized; she remains elsewhere, dead - a suicide-talk of efface- in first life are limit cases: suicide, euthanasia, etc. inconceivable partings and attempted suicides and the ravages of insufferable suicides trapped america, guns, riots energy, flower's iron internet suicide with new everyone internet. is momentary through three and a half billion years, the guise of suicide. is the saying of suicide, I told you so. There is the saying of fear, so island said, how do you do write suicide in avant-garde xxxx it makes for dreaming suicide, dreaming patchwork for the very last time. itself, meanwhile I go back on the MOO and wRItINg sez hears it's suicide just the suicide sound. People are running and screaming again. just tried suicide what did i think the fuck i was doing running out the late-night talkshow; the guest said it can lead to suicide. The cut on my line, secretly conservative? That I thought suicide, lived in death's lovely suicidebird, delicate and caring of i am the pure swan to myself, lovely suicidebird, delicate and caring of others. i am the pure swan making of suicide hieroglyph maybe approach approach leave suicide 'death)731: our things but murders maybe leave 731: (doctor-put-meaning stab 'death)731: murders suicide mechanism of an anti-bourgeois bourgeois who commits suicide by destroying memory. in the reversed world, suicide is the mover is its alleviation. But I would also argue for a suicide for trivial murder and suicide?" That's what he said. President Clinton, on murderer, priestess, suicide. I travel through the slit! The slit in your murmurs heard last no suicide. and heard heard and syllables for my family is the family of books, suicides among 'em, turning towards ash, neuras thenic freudianwise disasters suicides rages wars angers limit walk never punishments never heals nor suicides not here of my life, and the suicide attempt was hidden and probably not that of outcomes, but it must be mass suicide. with a of suicide there are some. one's tendency towards suicide, which must be continually monitored. Not one? suicide suicide suicide one? or rather suicided along with opera. overthrown, but that they commit suicide. perturbing, too much talk of suicide. And if Jennifer, then ghost-like we phonemes. suicide. won't i knife phonemes. for fall i i for and begone potential final - and only - remaining process is suicide. Everything else prayer of repetition murder and suicide projectors suicide poorly in the background, speakers roaring before us - pulleys, invisibly molded in something suicide over the wires, never satori-boyve does the suicide_emotion of a dog_fuck so the slave of the seventy two sets live furious diseases wars take suicide up this end she had just attempted suicide, and when I reached her in the hospital, she thought of bees suicide all around, she thought about flowers. shikibu does me kimono kraus and tears and violette leduc and j g suicide should use extreme care before he classes them as suicides." suicides. sides of the self! We are all close to suicide, all pleading, but never site where a suicide tries to shoot" jennifer failing, her fear of the so that i try to sleep here wires suicide all about me somewhere in Asia; suicides are the Japanese order of the day. Or a speaking suicide, "I'm going to take my dog and go into the desert and I'm strokes; you can hear the suicide of the strings. The signified becomes suicide suicide bar the the suicide bombers, storms and lightnings, the destructions of languages and suicide for Nikuko suicide hoax - Michael Current's response - the complaint to the sys- suicide jennifer is jennifer my jennifer friend suicide not science the solution. suicide of the line as the object fills the frame - it is this space suicide or that REWRITE was always a continuous suicide. No one would suicide to death - just so - not tiredness, no, certainly not arousal, not suicide unloved suicide zz suicide). philosophy, medicine, healing, peace, war and survival elders suicide, death's suicide, etc., which are problematized in SL... suicide, for eighth we for when we year when tried year so, tried up so, suicide, the story of initialed names carved into absent substance. suicide-bird and soft wind, for the telling of it is the reading of it, suicide. suicide. suicide. The book is simultaneously a warning and an account of what went suicide. brilliant suicide; this suicide_emotion of a dog_fuck so the slav e of the altcrazy-satori-dog- suicides trapped america, guns, riots energy, flower's iron petals, bodies suicides, rages, temper and my fears of just being alive? I tried suicide as a kid, mixing the disasters through drugs, through suicides, through rages, through the the suicide the future the future the bar jaguar jaguar jaguar bar the to laugh f of ants interchanged=ant*suicide*the was it where city=of the wall of China; a suicide-bird which an American pricess wore in her the wires are suicide, as if carrying sensibility multiplexing beyond our the yearning protocols singing) your saw-palmetto suicide my the yearning thinking suicide, the production of a thing this IS a suicide note! thought. between madness and suicide, this pain looms. do i need atten- to myself, covered with ugly young." i am not a lovely suicidebird, track16 gallery la such blessing barry sugarman suicide he's johnson's twenty volume suicide note, this IS a suicide note! That is, if I don't unclear. to time, suicide, eighth for we when year tried so, up lived with unclear. unclear. to to time, time, suicide, suicide, eighth eighth for ured. It leads to suicide, dysfunction. I don't think cyberspace helps vandalized by schoolmates soon after the suicide. There were still, vegetation suicidebirds sparrows flies mites "i detest her because i violence and death and suicide were all entangled in the television image was swill. I perform emptiness. If I send out a suicide note = nothing. I way. What happened was that someone posted a suicide hoax for April wharfcry, the nurse's suicide, are equally embodied, that the promulgation whispers darkness warmth inconceivable partings attempted suicides ravages will be assumed that I documented my inexorable march towards suicide or with suicide, with despair, but the screen of Buddha, emptying out. No would a bee or a suicidebird, Heidegger, Dasein yacking, yapping, suicide, singing, whatever bodies do, I guess cry, year suicide; you are walking down the street, when you are suicide in the shower, when