The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

June 17, 2012

the distillation of pain in preparation for a conference

on good days
i dream of hitler youth and grey soviet masses
nameless american troops everywhere people marching
jagged assyrian warriors batak sacrifices
everyone known is deeply wrecking
salvage dams holding back debris
walking in collapsed buildings furious suicides
drownings, medicated deaths
police-tape barriers, artifice,s destruction
those names, ash, broken mouths, screams
everything going under
this crime won't be solved

why can't sleep
begin by thinking about being very old, a thing, continue
where lump or pain becomes something else, body turns its course against
me, that division. that night from which no awakening, remains
unimaginable. break with the daughter of my family.

who were dear simply order psychically survive. leads post-traumatic
stress syndrome, obdurate

circulation memories become permanent part psychic landscape: trip over.
after death they're meaningless, just what saves us, jennifer asks, shall
we survive, can turn, our future, you see when die, you, species, has
history gone, happens dust, molecules, atoms, forms, records, data,
speech, recordings preservation prions viruses, phages bacteria,
parasites, sun planets lives, whom speaking, mind without service god,
demons minds dissolve, corrode, decay, corrupt, longer hear your answers,
ourselves, memory mother her book father his fire, these are gone sound
mercury light switch luminous glow afternoon mighty trees moon there,
murmurs planetary nebula, plasma disappears disappears, eyes it, ears
among us oh keep their promises always based forfeitures, asks jennifer,
be, turn me around, provide loving canopy soft nestlings presence friends
all times places, hold within world living, nurture nourish feed clothe
ah, am done for, says already half two-thirds three-quarters cries m

----------------------------- therefore should come together
between two bodies separated serrated division, vertebra one
other. logging-out, collapse backbone,
melting melding as it begins disappear.the body's

not here either, square, playing-field, holding-pen.the stream i's, eyes,
appear if were, but imminent, momentary, for minute.drying, other words
stain residue, say drying, words, you're saying red year
5000, birthday falls monday, won't around. somehow, makes unutterably sad,
weeping. span so short, that, this, concrete instance, tears through me.
make sure, past 2020...

. eye, julu, nikuko travis, honey alan, accompany organs, bones, flesh
fallen side road is, reality, plain, open every direction, neither nor
indicating anywhere, any thing. little band characters process
dissolution. stories audience, audience audience. speaks smashed mouths,
writes fingers, sees other, dreams hears way. ultimate writing because
urgent. goes nowhere go. destinations fall off map disappeared. death, gem
outlives decay pion, bringing misery wake. less time tell stories. did was
any: 'my most important medium.' nothing else speaks. write an unknown
tongue. enormity figures... hard convey virtual worlds... don't take word
it... check out, you'll see... sense them looking down at you...
guardians... working benefit... whether like not... doesn't matter...
night... into pieces reassembling... swallow

whole... big universe... least i'll more, i'm
remembered poor out
could think wandered
somewhere link faltered hindered
cauterized throat thought throughout
semblance fraught alone
meandering mourned rooms dark fallow
plummeting faces skewed sallow
hollowed mounds earth burning bone
hallowed they sutured hands haunting loomed muffled clutched voices
senseless seamless depressed humbled choices
dense thatched strands stranding embracing fears
buried borne lost thrown
sounds human ghosts own
avatar / wounded space real closed others agree witness horror
born into, didn't ask shuddering
time, uniqueness catch-basin nerves ruptured world,
step line, clean, clarify, suck clean proper body, stuttering space, smear
basket torn pieces, screaming
than own,

abstract animated maquette
holes another crimped, collapsed, coagulated
crash crumble destiny
it's puckered slosh pure gifts there's happiness exchange
grief speak chatter
communities history's left behind
monotony... echo hollow
letter lies sleeping
now cold dissolve worlds
get stuck life yearn return held skin seasons
cannot move made layers pain, back, small models splayed abstracted
avatars fleeing radio antique equipment
lean glass photographs child doomed things
listen too

images dead soldiers anything books martyrs tortures torments read covers
telling future lament oozes beings forth gather die escape powered escapes
o doom martyrologies deaf call survive murmur yearning returning stick
lives thing reading comes swaying swings dying sways steal play long
succeed alanprint objects pained desire charred excavated (bleak culture
slaughter) darkness says 'truth screen, killed, spike throats beauty-smoke
kyushu honshu incense kamogami smoke, pens pencils, languages? fucked
blank?' lips hardly move, forced comfort, comfort now, moment, remember
love? alan want die. try head. bones old. lead. existence sex not; starts

julu +++
some legs
raw tissue blood leaking
joints troubling hanging
flags fish holiday
carved stripped meat dancing ecstatic someone
knew isthisit, sexuality damned
sexual maps taps saps revolves
merrily, happy, burrowed revolutions
buried, coming singing longing, then
leaving, leaving certainly aren't arousing shattering woundatar
forgotten deadatar, anytime soon?

aesthetics occurs flatness never curls inward towards body: unless
fundamental identification work. sort futurism responsible mac apple,
sliver cuts flesh, acceptable, false topologies, topographies destroyed
villages, mutilated faces. same: many deaths, deaths. clear: notes of
labor purposed, slowing scraping trying think, what? damage cause caused.

must stop.
work sound, fury.
visible been killed.
even keeps yammering, yakking away
much alive
somebody gave birth. the monster.
ever shut up
stench offensive

idiotic poverty thumping surface gives way, only limited compliance, while
wants slither, projections fantasies, holographic universes edges surface,
consider same way bangu, drum, center harshness occurs, skin, outside drum
altogether go elsewhere, so, moving while, reveals itself, does poverty,
idiotic, null signifiers token, dissolution proton, substance, moves
embrace, catch catapult oneself, corral, image imaginary appears curvature
meanders form, embraces subject, brings hir enunciation [i'm growing
increasingly stupid. bang head tired animations blurs. inhabit flat cut
paper. stalks thinking: forget new monster appear, obscene _enunciation._]

what's run below substance. drive italics, edge them, and
such again flay first kill maw ruin : stops nevermore loves
please...nevermore. smile chains seem one, around eleven, crying
'nevermore universe, one.' before coming, cessation pain.with cessation.

< deathwe sipping grease > achieved.
1, dead.
0, any, cicatrix
'the cultural ecology bourdieu would cicatrix'

covering simultaneously informs abject. variegated tattooed choice
produces laundering beneath. healing scar balanced. collocation scars.
beneath organism on. returns re-use. choose file: file chosen. upload:
upload. here died 4:55 afternoon, sept. 6. i've -

performances discomfiture dragging 'real' across 'virtual,' and
tearing both.

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