Message-ID: <alpine.NEB.2.00.1209071159090.12442@panix3.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.wvu.edu>, Wryting-L <WRYTING-L@listserv.wvu.edu>
Subject: My failures
Date: Fri, 7 Sep 2012 12:00:50 -0400 (EDT)
My failures I have failed to find a calling. I have failed to live in Japan for any length of time. I have failed to learn Chinese, Japanese, Assyrian. I have failed to accept the darkness within me. I have failed to learn higher mathematics. I have failed life and I have not learned how to fail death. I have failed in bravery and have settled for the role of coward. I have failed to overcome my laziness. I have failed to stop my obsessive behavior. I have failed to not admire addictions. I have failed in four marriages. I have failed to face death. I have failed to overcome depression. I have failed in becoming anything identifiable. I have failed learning how to be other than a dilettante. I have failed healing myself or healing anyone else. I have failed not to be jealous of the success of others. I have failed to overcome my fear of death. I have failed to discriminate between weeds and vermin and good plants and creatures. I have failed to stop writing begging letters. I have failed to like human beings as a whole. I have failed to eliminate my self-centeredness. I have failed learning electronics in depth. I have failed to learn the depths of any musical instrument. I have failed my parents. I have failed in learninng Anglo-Saxon. I have failed my friends. I have failed to study biochemistry. I have failed to not be a nuisance. I have failed to forgive. I have failed knowing when to berate myself. I have failed to be the perfect partner for Azure. I have failed seeing the glory of a god or any other deity. I have failed to take care of myself. I have failed to listen to others. I have failed in my passive aggressiveness. I have failed to believe in the goodness of human beings. I have failed to believe in the soul. I have failed to become a theorist. I have failed to learn string theory and elementary particle theory. I have failed in my abject sexuality. I have failed to travel to China or India. I have failed learning how to throw the discus properly. I have failed to assert myself nicely. I have failed this. I have failed to not berate myself. I have failed to comprehend calculus. I have failed to meditate. I have failed to be selfless. I have failed to avoid mourning. I have failed to understand quantum field theory. I have failed to curtail my silent weeping. I have failed to learn to sing. I have failed learning how to live and do the simplest things. I have failed learning how to live for others. I have failed learning how to live in an empty universe. I have failed to be included in any major shows or galleries. I have failed so many people in so many different ways. I have failed to learn Sanskrit and Tibetan. I have failed as a father and failed my daughter who has failed me. I have failed to understand infinitesimals and surreal numbers. I have failed to believe in inherent goodness. I have failed to learn proper intonation. I have failed to remain at any university for any length of time. I have failed to ask forgiveness. I have failed to accept failure. I have failed my true nature. I have failed to become spiritual. I have failed to accept technophilia. I have failed learning how not to be scared. I have failed knowing how not to berate myself. I have failed to learn how to live well. I have failed to get a doctorate. I have failed to believe in God or any spirit. I have failed to become a poet. I have failed to create a comfortable life for myself. I have failed to understand the connection between physics and mathematics. I have failed to have a good night's sleep in my life. I have failed to publish a book of philosophy. I have failed to not overcome hopelessness. I have failed my father just for being alive. I have failed to be accepted for who I am. I have failed to speak out forcefully for Tibet. I have failed to not be bored. I have failed turning berating into positive change. I have failed my mother for not becoming a professional. I have failed to mourn without mourning myself. I have failed becoming a videomaker or musician. I have failed to not appear crazy or eccentric. I have failed to edit my creative work. I have failed to overcome an identity crisis always gnawing at me. I have failed in my philosophical writing. I have failed overcoming guilt. I have failed apology. I have failed everyone and everything. I have failed saving anyone. I have failed myself. I have failed becoming known as a theorist or writer. I have failed to find a gallery for my work. I have failed in my interactive writing. I have failed to learn computer programming in any depth. I have failed to unite the broken branches of our extended family. I have failed to eliminate nightmares from my life. I have failed to release myself from this life. I have failed to not feel grotesque. I have failed to secure a group of students now. I have failed to face my true nature. I have failed to be accepted as an artist in any group. I have failed to create an audience for my work. I have failed to totally eliminate suicidal thoughts. I have failed to comprehend Buddhism fully. I have failed learning how to turn the other cheek. I have failed constantly in my music. I have failed to be anything but a bad hire. I have failed to accept and overcome the horror of the world. I have failed in my relationships except for Azure. I have failed to financially sustain myself to any degree.