The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive


subjunct

(as if it were always already completed
(if it were separable from the body, or at least connected
(within the ontological), or if it were false, for example,
... crawled away probably if it weren't so disconcerting ...
as if it were a world, but something that appears,
it's over, as if it were, before it began beginning,
coming, and over and over again, as if it were pure and
  continuous and as if this were one transformed

and as if it were translucent
and cooled or if it were further delayed
and if it were not for the latter, all theories flowing
towards psychoses, and if it were thus, there would not
be these and others, i say subjunct, i subjunct,
  as if i were still alive, or as if there were still time,
  or as if i could write, or as if i were to be written,
  to be written ontologically

and if it weren't for azure and her kindness against all odds
  as if i were dead or dying, as if time had run out,
  as if cells were swallowed in enormous conduits of the dead -
as if it were an internal homunculus - i think i'm pointing -
as if it were possible to make sense for an instant,
  when we were on our own and so young and there were
  worlds and worlds to explore and we do look up above
  ourselves, as if we were -

we shall hold, as if it were solid, as if we were safe,
  and if my bones were not dying, my mind not seeping into hells
  i will never see, as if these hells were solid, granting
  sustenance and so obvious substance ...
that would be something of the light
that would be telling me creation
and i couldn't speak and couldn't return, and i would be
washed away, if i were not written, if i were not written down -

i is a stream of i's, i will tell you, as if it were true,
as if, and to believe, as-if would be sufficient,
would suffice, would always be otherwise and helpful,
and floating free, and dissolving, and the universe
  no longer a universe, 1/0, always other, always wise
  and no longer control, no longer out of it,
  and no perception, as if it were transparent, or not,
  and no meaning and no return,
  and no losing and no finding,
  and no truth and no anguish,
  and no silence and no living, nor death among the living
nor the meaning if it were true or if it were just true
and it were just true, and would have silenced

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