The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

September 13, 2014

violence .

         or when the buzzing fades in and out, very controlled,
       Jennifer and Julu, some of the smallthing do make buzzing
/blooming buzzing confusion
/blooming buzzing confusion
/blooming buzzing confusion

After a while negation buzzes. Automata make negation machines.
Negation machines buzz for me. They make things faster. a number
of deaths, always to a news station helps. The bed's to my rear;
angering buzzing aroused. you can fawn them. you can come. I'm
your buzz - and then you'd have your dead zone, but no dead. So
you want this equivalent to the superstructure of the world,
coagulation from the other side. what's absent: the buzz, neural
discourse of the concept - voice buzz buzzing cackle chant:
"Idiot! I'm still talking. The phone's buzzing, the sky's just
there, in flight." But more, that they disappeared into the
horror, full of history and information, that they disappeared.
sludge-world, bodies. it's the head in them that names.

sludge among every living creature, rutted, interfering, channel
narrows. it's the head in them that's named.

then nothing.

Damning Criticism - mashup, original, and elimination:

Constantly I'm afraid. I'm I'm afraid. I'm tone-deaf. afraid.
I'm I I'm write I'm tone-deaf. out I tone-deaf. of write
tone-deaf. of out I of total write total ignorance. out total If
of total I total total I ignorance. ignorance. write If
ignorance. about write If about about If about violence I about
from write violence a about violence subaltern from violence
position, a violence position, subaltern from position,
position, a I feel subaltern I I'm position, I untouchable. I I
untouchable. feel feel I I'm feel always I I'm always always I'm
always feel untouchable. always suicide I feel is always feel an
suicide feel option is suicide option an suicide option option
is and that an and makes option and me and and me that that
doubly makes that untouchable. doubly makes untouchable.
untouchable. makes untouchable. I me untouchable. work doubly I
far untouchable. I too I I fast, far work fast, too work write
fast, far write far too write too fast, write much, write write
much, far far always too far feel always too feel feel too feel
literally much, literally under always literally the feel
literally gun, literally literally that the under that gun,
under if that the if I gun, if slow that if up, if if up, I I
I'll slow I collapse. up, slow collapse. collapse. slow
collapse. However up, However much I'll However you collapse.
However tear However However my you much my tear much work my
you work work tear work I'll my work tear work apart, tear
apart, apart, it I'll apart, apart tear I'll apart apart I'll
apart first tear first and it first far apart first more first
first drastically. far and drastically. more and I'm
drastically. far I'm I'm more I'm I'm more I'm jealous I'm
untouchable. jealous untouchable. untouchable. of I'm
untouchable. anyone jealous I'm anyone anyone I'm with with
jealous with a of with position anyone with and with with an a a
an and a income. an position income. income. and income. afraid
and income. of an I'm of I'm I'm everything, afraid I'm my of
afraid my my afraid shadow, shadow, of shadow, the everything,
shadow, shadows my shadow, of shadow, shadow, others. the the
others. of the If others. shadows If If of If it of it for
others. it for it it Azure, weren't it I for weren't I Azure,
weren't wouldn't wouldn't for wouldn't be Azure, wouldn't here I
wouldn't and wouldn't be that's be be that's and be a that's
here a a and a terrible and terrible for that's terrible for
terrible terrible her burden terrible to for burden to her
burden bear. bear. for bear. I her bear. lie to bear. in bear. I
bed I I bed in I for bed lie for for in for hours in hours in
bed hours the hours hours morning, in hours wide-awake, the in
wide-awake, morning, in my my the my mind morning, my running
wide-awake, my wild my mind until mind mind until wild mind
disaster until running disaster disaster wild seems seems wild
seems so until seems imminent disaster seems that so seems I
imminent so I that so must must imminent must get that must up,
I must get must get moving, get get moving, up, get escape
moving, up, escape escape get myself. myself. get myself. I
moving, myself. think escape myself. I'm I myself. far think I
far I'm I more more think more brilliant I'm more than far
brilliant I more brilliant am. brilliant brilliant am. than
brilliant I'm am. than I'm I'm I ashamed ashamed I ashamed of
am. ashamed my I'm ashamed body of of and my of that body of
that and my that makes body that me and makes turn that makes
inside-out, makes makes inside-out, me makes so inside-out, me
so so turn much much turn much of inside-out, much my so much
earlier much of work my of was earlier of was work my was
sexual. earlier sexual. I've work sexual. become was sexual.
ash, sexual. sexual. ash, I've sexual. I ash, I've I I become
dream dream become dream ash, ash, dream cinders. I dream I
dream ash, jump cinders. ash, from I ash, from jump cinders.
from instrument I instrument to jump instrument instrument, from
instrument I instrument instrument I to to can't instrument, to
sit can't instrument, sit sit instrument, sit still, I sit I
can't sit have sit still, to I still, play have still, play to I
play all have all of to all these play all things, all all
things, of of I these of have I these have have these have to
things, have excel I to at have to something excel to physical.
at to physical. something excel physical. physical. at I'm
completely something I'm invisible physical. I'm to I'm I'm to
completely completely others invisible completely unless others
invisible unless unless invisible unless I to unless blurt
others I out, unless I assert I I myself, out, blurt myself,
assert blurt jump myself, out, jump into assert jump a myself,
jump fray jump jump fray into into of a into my of a my my a my
own fray own creation. of own Deep my own down own own I Deep
creation. I down creation. know I Deep know no down know place I
know is know know is no no safe place no for is place for for
place for me. is me. I safe me. find for me. theory me. me. so
find I so theory I decayed so find decayed decayed theory
decayed I so decayed believe decayed that believe that that I I
that can believe I can can I can produce believe produce it I
produce by can produce rote produce produce with by it with rote
it no with by no no rote no whatsoever. rote no I no consequence
I consequence consequence can't whatsoever. consequence get I

I'm tone-deaf. I write out of total ignorance. If I write about
violence from a subaltern position, I feel I'm untouchable. I
always feel suicide is an option and that makes me doubly
untouchable. I work far too fast, write far too much, always
feel literally under the gun, that if I slow up, I'll collapse.
However much you tear my work apart, I'll tear it apart first
and far more drastically. I'm untouchable. I'm jealous of anyone
with a position and an income. I'm afraid of everything, my
shadow, the shadows of others. If it weren't for Azure, I
wouldn't be here and that's a terrible burden for her to bear. I
lie in bed for hours in the morning, wide-awake, my mind running
wild until disaster seems so imminent that I must get up, get
moving, escape myself. I think I'm far more brilliant than I am.
I'm ashamed of my body and that makes me turn inside-out, so
much of my earlier work was sexual. I've become ash, I dream
ash, cinders. I jump from instrument to instrument, I can't sit
still, I have to play all of these things, I have to excel at
something physical. I'm completely invisible to others unless I
blurt out, assert myself, jump into a fray of my own creation.
Deep down I know no place is safe for me. I find theory so
decayed that I believe I can produce it by rote with no
consequence whatsoever. I can't get rid of corrosion of the
world's horrors, until I'm eviscerated, until I disappear. I'm
so frightened of death, I can't watch anything dealing with it,
online or offline. My whole career is created from kludges,
making-do, bricolage. Goodness is invisible to me. I can't
understand religion, religious belief; reincarnation seems an
absurd fiction. I believe that abjection, corrosion, decay, and
suffering underlie everything, and everything I do; culture
attempts a bulwark against the cosmos, and culture always
collapses into violence. I'm not only not untouchable, I'm the
most fragile of creatures - possessing no redemption, nothing
but a deep belief in annihilation. I'm so inconceivably selfish,
I give things away to prove otherwise. I believe we are all
inhabited by destruction, that we all ride the nearest
fetishized shiny surfaces, that we all believe we're beckoned,
that whatever is said within the ecologies of the digital,
disappears as soon as it is spoken. I think I'm so smart. I
thank this is enough to prove I'm so smart and to prove I'm so
stupid as to feel any insipid thought/music/image/video of mine
is unbearably original. I'm unbearable. I'm tone-deaf and my
music attempts to cover that up. I can't sing a note. I can't
write either and I'm too self-absorbed to notice that. This spew
isn't original, even within my own work. There's so much of my
writing that it seems to be infinitely repetitive; it's
certainly unreadable. My thoughts are borrowed, my words are
borrowed; what's original with me is woefully inexact. I'm bad
at plagiarism, worse at originality. I stupidly feel if I keep
writing, it will start making sense, that brilliance is just
around the corner. Brilliance is the other. My body sinks into
my body. I'm constantly afraid. I'm constantly afraid.

I'm tone-deaf. I write out of total ignorance. If about violence
from a subaltern position, feel untouchable. always suicide is
an option and that makes me doubly work far too fast, much,
literally under the gun, if slow up, I'll collapse. However much
you tear my apart, it apart first more drastically. jealous
anyone with position income. afraid everything, shadow, shadows
others. weren't for Azure, wouldn't be here that's terrible
burden her to bear. lie in bed hours morning, wide-awake, mind
running wild until disaster seems so imminent must get moving,
escape myself. think brilliant than am. ashamed body turn
inside-out, earlier was sexual. I've become ash, dream cinders.
jump instrument instrument, can't sit still, have play all these
things, excel at something physical. completely invisible others
unless blurt out, assert myself, into fray own creation. Deep
down know no place safe me. find theory decayed believe can
produce by rote consequence whatsoever. rid corrosion world's
horrors, eviscerated, disappear. frightened death, watch
anything dealing it, online or offline. My whole career created
kludges, making-do, bricolage. Goodness understand religion,
religious belief; reincarnation absurd fiction. abjection,
corrosion, decay, suffering underlie everything do; culture
attempts bulwark against cosmos, collapses violence. not only
untouchable, most fragile creatures - possessing redemption,
nothing but deep belief annihilation. inconceivably selfish,
give things away prove otherwise. we are inhabited destruction,
ride nearest fetishized shiny surfaces, we're beckoned, whatever
said within ecologies digital, disappears as soon spoken. smart.
thank this enough smart stupid any insipid
thought/music/image/video mine unbearably original. unbearable.
tone-deaf music cover up. sing note. either self-absorbed notice
that. This spew isn't original, even work. There's writing
infinitely repetitive; it's certainly unreadable. thoughts
borrowed, words borrowed; what's original woefully inexact. bad
plagiarism, worse originality. stupidly keep writing, will start
making sense, brilliance just around corner. Brilliance other.
sinks body. constantly afraid.

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