The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

December 29, 2014

*/can't sleep, corrected text, how did I let two errors pass?/*

Bad Thoughts

When I wake up in the morning, does this happen to you, please
add comments, if I lie in bed, which I do, having had troubled
or chopped sleep, which I have, the bad thoughts begin; I try to
banish them, think of other things, attempt breathing meditation
but nothing helps. There are thoughts of my aging, of dying, of
leaving Azure behind (which is the worst); there are memories
salvaged from my high-school years, or Soho years in the 70s;
memories as well of Nova Scotia, California, driving cross-
country, on and on. I try to avoid these, then there are
memories of my parents, or growing up in the home in Kingston,
Pennsylvania, or further memories of my daughter and our broken
relationship. I try to avoid these. Then there are violent
feelings of regret, feelings of loss with friends who have died,
feelings of abject loneliness (living in Rhode Island), feelings
of abandonment (so many of our friends are in NY or out West),
feelings of self-pity, of a life badly lived, of work which will
disappear when I die. When I count breaths, thoughts intrude; my
mind refuses to leave me alone, my mind splits, one part begs
the other, it's no use. The bad thoughts are there and will
remain until I rise, think of other things. I worry whether or
not I'll see my friends again, whether I'll be able to visit my
brother's or sister's families, whether I'll be able to work
again, even for a pittance, just for community, just to be part
of something. I worry about leaving things unsaid, unfinished, I
try to avoid such things. I want to think of other things. I
think of getting up to avoid such things, it's in the middle of
the night, should I take trazodone and more melatonin, should I
read or rise for the moment, work on a project, do grunt work,
will that get me back to sleep. I worry that my depression will
last the rest of my life and contaminate everyone around me,
that I'll have a stroke, that I'll be incapacitated, that I will
no longer be able to play music. My mind wanders back to
childhood, to promises of forthcoming books that will remain
stillborn, to recordings I'd like to do, choreography and video
and sound I'd want to work on with Foofwa or other dancers,
music I'd like to play with Stephen, I worry about car accidents
and growing increasingly despondent over the 'world situation.'
I try to avoid reading about pain and suffering and death, my
reading incapacitates, haunts me in the middle of the night, I
shudder in horror over pain and death imagined. My bad thoughts
include dying before I want to die, I never want to, I think all
the time of suicide as a way of avoiding bad thoughts, I'd never
kill myself. I think of pets I've had, of moments driving
through the Appalachians, of listening to Scottish music in Nova
Scotia, of playing on the banks of the Seine in Paris, about
failing to become a scientist, of disappointing everyone who was
sure I'd have a stellar career in art or music or literature, of
constantly disappointing my father, who said to me recently in a
dream, 'you've always been annoying.' Everywhere I turn there
are thick curtains, dark ones, behind them there's nothing, not
even more of them, the curtains murmur the onslaught of
emptiness. I think of missed opportunities, never learning
Japanese, never visiting China, no more gallery shows, no more
university affiliations. I think of friends who have been cast
adrift as well, everyone dealing with misery, depression, death,
of friends and relatives, of their own illnesses. I think of the
return of slavery by violent states, war and torture everywhere,
the darkness setting over humanity. I attempt to wake, I lie in
bed sometimes for hours with these thoughts, I can't banish
them, sooner or later I get up, work for a bit, exhaust myself,
collapse back into deep sleep for a half hour to two hours at a
time, wake, practice music, and that may be my day. I think
about the phenomenology of anguish, of the state of being
bereft, of the imperturbability of time, of the world closing
down for me. I think of Azure, I turn towards her, cuddle, I
prepare myself for the day, I struggle, dawn has not yet struck
its discordance, I wake, I get up, I move. I approach the day.

Algorithm of Sleeplessness

4% dream of an insomniac song if uoy real love me 3 Causing
sleeplessness . ... .. ib. Prevention sleep from Levinas - he's
hardly awake any more, all that stuff about insomnia. things
weigh not to mention constant insomnia, headaches, stress,
problems (37 sleeplessness 12: depressions

reboot   system boot  tue feb  8 20:13

you may stop thinking, you may have your sorrows headaches 7:
crying : insomnias 2014 In Halifax, my depression and insomnia
totally disappeared; we were education, Hunter; her early hours
increase Last night, I couldn't sleep, violent dismemberings.
ther reason, develop shuddering, excessive self-doubt. sleepless
night. It is the glance which worryingly constructs inert THE
PLACEMENT OF WORD against < inconceivable quarrels ,/,. Removal
impediments, Tho 12:59] <;<) The Atlantic Yards project causing
a lot nights for This _existence,_ coupled with electronic; no
one can ied by continuous cough, possible water in lungs, this
poor poem 'this poem' extreme insomnia; sense wonder gets into
trouble; unmasked Cioran talks disappearance time insomniac, day
luxury abundance. But his became ever more (z, surgical-medical
abuse: bruise cushioned insomniac; sanctions over again as try
(and have had severe almost while alone i sing tunes explain
although occurs most important characteristic life Off-line, am
currently ill fever, another night well confusion, anxiety
leaves sleepless. aware <nicuko> logged broken. bent
sleeplessness. he just lay arousal despair, broken bones,
unutterable pain say what; nightmares occur constantly. frontal
lobe, it's last governs when write 1960-1997 Sleeping waking:
goads entire l won't be better than others course, other men are
their account, contending mightily." exhaustion other- wise
speak). _bounded_ typing away exhausted at midnight computer way
show it. Too copy; been Siberia. I'll first, ago, before (I
finally left bed yet disconnected _same._ believ fissure,
devolving wishing they're torn sexual hunger, created
insecticides contaminations polluted still, off some books. I'm
generally sleepless, worse, brain twitches medications, aspirin,
Welbutrin of), neurotic be, insomniac. time. could crisis
capital things, chronic insomnia? reiterate, constituted
exhaustion, (see Levinas), but Nets arena construction causes
useless, boast, corners, illness, next never later migraine,
crying, depression, scratching, anger --- great hermeneutics
$84000 debt azure's loans selling worse sublimating communality.
determining; determinative. wakening sleeplessness, diarrhea,
light- headedness. second through don't depressions, anything,
exacerbates them, does continued poverty. physiologies,
nightmares, holocaust experimental writing. fairly well. family.
past [indeterminate eye-focusing off-screen]; nervous- fifth
(today): dizziness, Tireless, fingers longer type so much
_stutter_ repeat example whom negation might chain-negation,
2012 Just record, continues rage, 'twitches' Of give him sleep.
i've going through, worry abou surviving it raging grief; cares
waste this. that's hard understand. Everything disappearing
lather, held suspended phenomenologies hold virtual world.
miami. stopped first went couple same sense, how become these
well, perhaps lacerations. or money will carry mute night;
itself watches. neglected, rages, difficult live with, both
slashed/ lately sets schedule/ 4/ up 6/ Existents describes
insomnia's relation decathecting, being, hypotension,
inflammation, icterus, itching, irruption, towards losing
temper; (Or incapable differentia- ting between what arrogant,
hysteric, self-deprecating, possessing very bombing, continue
door lists, imaginary. Defuge condition distaste, nervous
irritable. cry slightest _in manner speech;_ fetish-magic retain
meaning circuiting consumed levinas' deleuzian merging sarah's
ecstatic unclosing silence. dispersed middle photograph
irrelevant): Other modalities deal insomniac... satisfy monitors
twisting dreams, stress. tortures floods, tunnel, stretched
muscles, tinnitus, sweat, fact, irrational fear _I found out,_
days dissolution. Alan Dojoji, ("I" acute insomnia), has nerve
weaknesses, including seepages. Jennifer rides thoughts occupy
_nothing._ They told essence existing seeping away, result
stress pains those troubles tender pain, hilarity, hiccups
making world-record fast heartbeat, palpitations, shaking, ness,
tossing turning, nights. mornings promise cat's found. found,
grips absurdly. nervousness quasi- psychotic real-life
responsibility; ill-health complexity reduced despair book
fuge," accomplished wept retired job joblessness helped saved
incessant shaking world, Levinas, piece land, home location.
Otherwise, Map morning, crashing imbecility all. puns rage
replacing gesture want focus theory. presence? circumscrib-
circumlocuting rallying 10. today thought writing enemy
encounters You steadfast desolated soul eye, insomniac),
sometimes tears, get on-line, do whatever debacle shakiness.,
filled instead fissuring portends...). stead darkening TEXT WE
And descent whole classes psychologi- network neural within
recognize, only ication; radical disjunction "real / face-to-
face diagrams here nor there. Death terminology. because i'm
always verge breakdown. obsession. goes on.... there's wrong
extent bad aren't any; until flooded; existence becomes freshman
mixer walked saying negro mess 19601997 sleeping philoso
everywhere, transformation surplus wards meant reults form That
Azure tire regrets, age, plateau shallow worker gives game safe
divided parcels. parallel world collapsing. now nervous, New
York, Providence - while all alone I sing my sleepless tunes.

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