The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

April 17, 2016

assessment of a failed career

( for Azure who is all goodness and keeps me going )

i can't forgive myself for failure after failure.
my work is too complicated and abject for a coherent series.
i'm incapable of creating a solid and unique style.
my only coherency is incoherency.
i'm jealous of my friends who are showing internationally
on a regular basis.
i'm jealous of my friends who are employed and often working
with amazing students.
i'm attracted to death and i'm frightened by death.
i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,
i keep pushing my personal boundaries and keep thinking
i'm making a real contribution to thought itself.
i'm too filled with grandeur and despair.
i've never been able to have a consistent and productive life.
i've failed myself and failed others.
i have no idea how to behave and have to constantly think
of what i'm doing.
i'm far too frightened of the world far too pessimistic.
i want artistic and institutional success for more than
i'm capable of achieving.
i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm i'm,
i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm i'm,
i'm far too overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, and depression.
i'm like a child who can't get its way and use the work
i do as a bad excuse.
i'm afraid of everyone else and thirst for approval.
i give talks that are too long and too scattered.
i can't sleep properly and worry about being irrelevant.
i'm frightened of ageism and have no defenses against it.
i don't want to continue if i start to develop dementia.
i'm far too career-driven given the failure of my career.
i think everyone else is doing better than me.
i'm far too self-absorbed and too spoiled.
i'm far too ambitious and believe in the magical power
of words.

i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,

+// i promise not more of this :-) //*

The Golden Hours

The Golden Ours, when Cares just drop away
For we shall live among Our Golden Days
The Hours, Golden, when Nights are soft and warm
For we shall live, within, without a Drop of Harm

The Golden Bears, who roar among the Nights
And call the Lovelorn among the Northern Lights
Then Bearing Gold, returning soon with Stealth
To bring us all the Baskets brimmed with Wealth

The Golden Bared, so quick, yet so un-lewd
So many Tresses almost might seem rude
And Bared Doubloons so brilliant like the Sun
To give the Great Doubloons to Each and Everyone

So shall We swim among the Golden Gates
And dance with Sharks and Rays
   And even charming Skates


rank golden season great golden spiders glittering about me -
then he should go to the river ganges silently carrying pure
golden, who they are and what they really do behind the golden
doors of their newly sprung in june o my goldenessays poetry
free essays free research (burned out hut) take bnikuko/b. are
pure and golden:webr are golden:we (dark) fighting, a woman
playing in most mournful manner, golden birds, (though they'd
come back for the golden pear) beautiful views . . views golden
. . golden horn. . . horn. . . between the the threads, a golden
twine connects come with me, we are pure and golden, julu and
julu! does we are pure turn julu, we are pure and golden, to
you? i have been ceded the golden transmission, it is more to
this or any other golden garland of lilies we have around its
leaves of golden signs enclose the world. lost in these dark
woods, i came across a golden light. it seemed to say, my
mineral, take golden mineral shattering, speech appears, the
sign of fire, threads its golden the golden-haired maiden, with
three drops of blood, christianed the world is encircled by its
leaves of golden signs. theresa worked went asylum. this, dates,
blanked memories. golden hair. we are golden your horse, your
cow, yourself, against my golden hair, my eyes of blue your
last_suck destroys my we are golden! your noose we are golden is
outside_of my decay _god has told me to write this with her
marvelous golden tresses, a beautiful golden shovel with ebony
handle, made from the bones <cr> a contestation of the golden
apples of the brilliant an expand- golden filled sounds
everywhere around likeignore and sometimes it hangs from a thin
golden chain from the center of a and to shoot as many images as
possible. you'll find that one golden one are pure:we are
golden: does we are pure turn bjulu/b, we are b could i are
separated by blanked golden kinds melting later appeared blanked
golden kind melting later appeared different names writing might
bottom of the page. when i go to sleep i dream of golden-letter
commands, expanding golden man with ...spine...s, splines seven
and eight fighting, a woman playing a ch'in in a most mournful
manner, golden birds, from one to the other, the golden droplets
swarming among them, the seven genial, golden, golden-tongued,
golden-voiced, good, goodly, globe shall fill the sky, with
golden rays, and universal peace shall godspeak.s going.p
goldenhours.p gone.v grackles.v grafton.p granular.v golden
filled sounds everywhere around likeignore space spaces
altogether golden garland of lilies we have around each others
fair and youthful golden lines.the decorations on the top and
sides are stylized fans. the golden ring dividing me from myself
golden-tongued, golden-voiced, good, goodly, ges cauterizing
golden. i'd love to be money. i don't want to be rich: i want to
be honey heaven. heaven.  'golden girl', rubio. is influenced
decision? held wit journey prosperous golden earring half shekel
weight bracelets her tears. how could the world be so cruel? her
golden hair, her history or narrative. but it soaks umwelts with
golden showers, every it comes to me in the night. it's in the
form of glowing cacti, golden kicking up quite with a golden
yellow image of nation nude prozac what the line; draw a
slanting line; a river; myriads of golden rays; two taken golden
coke coke coldshoulders! unixsuck hairball nighttime wakening,
fingers in me, golden metal nuzzling teeth now there is this
image: the expanding golden man with spines. oh those thoughts
of golden days pride and thoughtlessness of my youth, and see
golden garland of scheme golden ratio successful secret pictures
of forbidden acts and if this were his offering and golden
swallowed tip of finger, golden ring in teeth tell me my best
days are behind me. don't tell me i'm in my golden years. the
midst of golden orb and shield spiders. later, poison ivy wound
its their gave older man outlasts trance, fully golden
illuminations thin golden trails of atomic wastelands where once
information about thing, sound like golden voice. how to make
skin show through very thin tongue-in-cheek: indication,
furrowed desiccated genial, golden, torn fragments time: golden
kind melting later appeared trance, rising fully above my golden
body, illuminations sparkling we are pure and golden:we are
golden:we are pure:: where my son has almost gone, i'd find the
one with the golden palm back which the golden ears are
threshed. and if a little bran becomes mingled while we are
bound by golden twine, worked went asylum. this, dates, blanked
memories. golden hair, world and source of golden light. and i
did know i would not live to tell you would only listen, i would
tell you how, on the morrow, a great golden your golden voice,
the pause in the middle of a word, eyes wide open your love
follows your long golden hair and your eyes of deepest blue your
ring, my ring, golden-mouth ring, you harboring youth everything
- bathed in a golden light - nearly bare-ly ascending staircase

Generated by Mnemosyne 0.12.