Message-ID: <alpine.NEB.2.20.1704042212150.23555@panix3.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.wvu.edu>, Wryting-L <WRYTING-L@listserv.wvu.edu>
Subject: Event and Anxiety
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2017 22:16:16 -0400 (EDT)
Event and Anxiety http://www.alansondheim.org/dydo.png event http://www.alansondheim.org/song.mp3 anxiety http://www.alansondheim.org/jitterrr.mp3 anxiety (for Stephen Dydo) Before every sound/music performance, I go through intense anxiety. There's no way around it. I never know whether the electronics will function correctly, and because every time I play it's different and I'm pushing myself into zones of possible failure, I experience intense discomfort. I have nothing to fall back on. This occurs with every piece I make or play in, every live or recorded performance. I believe if I don't feel anxiety, something is wrong (and I'm then anxious about that!). I worry above all about not being able to create something new, having to return to repetitive death. This has always been the case. So there is this event coming up, which everyone should attend - and then the electronics might collapse (there are so many ways to fail!), I might not be able to play in tune, a string might break, my fingers might cramp up, a nail might break, a bow might crack or loosen, there might be too much feedback or too little volume, my playing might be horrible (all too often the case), the instrument might be out of tune (and I can't tune it up properly in public) (a peg might have slipped out of position) (a crack might open up) (the microphone might fail); the instrument might slip position; I might not be able to switch instruments quickly enough; I might find myself repeating riffs with hackneyed and trite scales; I might run overtime; I might run too much undertime; I might cut clumsily into Azure's singing; I might be too loud; I might not be loud enough; I might forget a figure I want to vary; I might begin feeling too depressed to continue; I might feel like an utter failure while playing; I worry that feeling like an utter failure will show; I might not be able to please the audience; I may be boring the audience; they may have heard all this before; they might not understand what I'm trying to do; I'm doing too much thinking to continue; I've lost my place on the finger- board; I feel I'm trapped into commonplaces; I feel I'm playing too many highnotes; I feel my lownotes aren't clear enough; I find my glissandos miss their mark; I feel I can't cover up my mistakes; I feel I'm making too many mistakes; I feel I'm letting the audience down; I feel I'm letting Azure down; I feel I'm letting myself down because the piece is a catastrophe; I think I'm sweating too much; I'm concerned I'm insulting the instrument; I'm concerned my playing isn't free enough; I think my playing is out-of-date; I think free musicians are laughing at me; I think ethnomusicologists in the audience will know I'm a fraud; that I don't know how to play the instrument I'm using; that I'm insulting the maker of the instrument; that I'm insulting everyone; I worry that I'm a fraud; I think that anyone who's a trained musician will realize what a failure I am; I worry about being found out; I worry that I can't sing a note (true) in tune at all (still true) and can't even match tones with my voice (still true); I worry I can't hear harmony well; I'm afraid that I have difficulty even playing the simplest songs of others; I'm scared that I can't carry a tune with my voice; I worry that people will know I'm just making myself up; I worry that I'm a fool and not even a perfect one; I worry that the fact I'm a fraud will show; I'm worried that people will walk out; I'm scared I won't be able to walk out; I'm worried I'm left behind; I'm scared I'm not avant-garde enough; I'm worried I'm not avant-garde at all; I'm scared I'm old-hat; I'm scared my tinnitus is ruining any musical ability I might have had; I'm worried I'm too anxious; I'm worried I'm not anxious enough.