The Alan Sondheim Mail Archive

October 20, 2017

Ennui Spiralingula

all been here, psychologist's diary, compressed

5:52PM up 42 days, 16:47, 35 users, load averages: 0.05, 0.07,
0.08 /// /// /// Saturday morning Woke up at 9; the club let out
around 2, construction downstairs started 8:30. Bad dream of
havoc on a ferry/bridge - anger among drivers, one them high-
speed, some guy, crashing into other cars, smashing everything,
I ran downstairs, there were lot belongings, everyone owned
them, saved myself, think Azure was as well, not sure. When
woke, chaos disappeared, just noise from downstairs. As usual,
along with noise, social science is deafening. No thinking about
anything in particular, sense despair. got up, put news on,
etc., so that wouldn't wake Azure. Got online. Feel there's
absolutely nothing to look forward to, here Providence. (The new
media field I'm growing, developing, by leaps and bounds; being
isolated like this keeps my work growing; friends are all
working for various institutions, have access tools. The latest
fast-developing augmented reality. So start spiraling lack
tools, do but use usual oldfashioned ones text/image/video etc.)
night Will try sleep, bit, feeling I've accomplished today all,
worried I'll be cut off few contacts have. Today Yom Kippur,
online phone helping bit. Too many regrets life. October 1st,
Sunday Better sleep last 5 hours early avoid problems. evening,
spiraling. This kind email end writing: Hi writing ask if you
any ideas re: below; we're still pretty much same situation
(although showing more, music/articles coming out, etc.). We can
travel times November on; trying move. Thanks greatly, hoping
your semester going well! love Alan need these 'begging letters'
survive, they make me feel miserable... --- points taken 4-5
naps exhausted, brain fog, can't straight. It's hard deal when
tired. My despair control crazed adds it. too tired matter
think... Tuesday Yesterday napped 3 times, went walk. Slept ok
began real despair, bed after hours' sleep. diet may or helping.
keep over people who dropped touch us Providence, more emails
elsewhere, those letters,' find way staying here. Wednesday
morning, 5:55 a.m. Can't again, badly. stand this, death;
Providence than void me. waiting answer. dreams, something
battery distance needs changed, seashore. Things mixed Las
Vegas, musician friend recorded lives there. bad only get
meander online, it doesn't good; wrecked tomorrow (today) again
All Friday Last ok, that's because several traumas occurred,
literally, Thursday; worn exhausted. slept somewhat, exhausted
today. What's events knew gone through, arrest, hospitalization,
death three different people. really decided take week go Acadia
recuperate... day Having time awake today, thoughts related
traumas. Even though somewhat night, 4 stay an even keel. We're
earlier tonight, early, 8:30; 1:30. 2:30 am took 1/4 trazodone,
mind badly no particular thoughts, dropping void, close ears.
Utterly exhausted; we 8:15 morning. Following news, haven't been
sleeping well. Getting melatonin, might help. strength/calm
mantra. beginning problem constant breakdown circadian rhythms.
yesterday fairly fine, before, terrible. always death. then
better without melatonin. Waking horrible political situation,
both hearing Trump. FODMAP diary making mess food, snacking
result Monday woke dying giving things away beforehand (rare
musical instruments, books, etc.), continue their existence
gone. Was very morose, tried mantras (breathing strength /
calm), finally enough Another person worked closely died; hadn't
while, less devastating. These couple weeks; will difference,
sure... If stop spiral control. coast next taking trip 8 days;
it... terrible pain muscles arms legs, well surface right big
toe?? don't know what from; Dr. blood tests which came negative,
heard back moaning tears think, Then 800 mg bufferin hour.
worrying completely incapacitated. idea point; scared every
night. well; tend drop out. melatonin most nights more; it's
easy foggy day. But mess, heading downward least place misery.
does help good days (except recently news); bad, pessimistic
usually (genocide, terror, etc. extremes play large part do).
10:00PM up 42 days, 20:55, 37 users, load averages: 0.06, 0.10,

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