Message-ID: <alpine.NEB.2.21.1710202219390.19487@panix3.panix.com>
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>
To: Cyb <cybermind@listserv.wvu.edu>, Wryting-L <WRYTING-L@listserv.wvu.edu>
Subject: Ennui Spiralingula
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2017 22:22:05 -0400 (EDT)
Ennui Spiralingula all been here, psychologist's diary, compressed http://www.alansondheim.org/pr1.png http://www.alansondheim.org/pry.png 5:52PM up 42 days, 16:47, 35 users, load averages: 0.05, 0.07, 0.08 /// /// /// Saturday morning Woke up at 9; the club let out around 2, construction downstairs started 8:30. Bad dream of havoc on a ferry/bridge - anger among drivers, one them high- speed, some guy, crashing into other cars, smashing everything, I ran downstairs, there were lot belongings, everyone owned them, saved myself, think Azure was as well, not sure. When woke, chaos disappeared, just noise from downstairs. As usual, along with noise, social science is deafening. No thinking about anything in particular, sense despair. got up, put news on, etc., so that wouldn't wake Azure. Got online. Feel there's absolutely nothing to look forward to, here Providence. (The new media field I'm growing, developing, by leaps and bounds; being isolated like this keeps my work growing; friends are all working for various institutions, have access tools. The latest fast-developing augmented reality. So start spiraling lack tools, do but use usual oldfashioned ones text/image/video etc.) night Will try sleep, bit, feeling I've accomplished today all, worried I'll be cut off few contacts have. Today Yom Kippur, online phone helping bit. Too many regrets life. October 1st, Sunday Better sleep last 5 hours early avoid problems. evening, spiraling. This kind email end writing: Hi writing ask if you any ideas re: below; we're still pretty much same situation (although showing more, music/articles coming out, etc.). We can travel times November on; trying move. Thanks greatly, hoping your semester going well! love Alan need these 'begging letters' survive, they make me feel miserable... --- points taken 4-5 naps exhausted, brain fog, can't straight. It's hard deal when tired. My despair control crazed adds it. too tired matter think... Tuesday Yesterday napped 3 times, went walk. Slept ok began real despair, bed after hours' sleep. diet may or helping. keep over people who dropped touch us Providence, more emails elsewhere, those letters,' find way staying here. Wednesday morning, 5:55 a.m. Can't again, badly. stand this, death; Providence than void me. waiting answer. dreams, something battery distance needs changed, seashore. Things mixed Las Vegas, musician friend recorded lives there. bad only get meander online, it doesn't good; wrecked tomorrow (today) again All Friday Last ok, that's because several traumas occurred, literally, Thursday; worn exhausted. slept somewhat, exhausted today. What's events knew gone through, arrest, hospitalization, death three different people. really decided take week go Acadia recuperate... day Having time awake today, thoughts related traumas. Even though somewhat night, 4 stay an even keel. We're earlier tonight, early, 8:30; 1:30. 2:30 am took 1/4 trazodone, mind badly no particular thoughts, dropping void, close ears. Utterly exhausted; we 8:15 morning. Following news, haven't been sleeping well. Getting melatonin, might help. strength/calm mantra. beginning problem constant breakdown circadian rhythms. yesterday fairly fine, before, terrible. always death. then better without melatonin. Waking horrible political situation, both hearing Trump. FODMAP diary making mess food, snacking result Monday woke dying giving things away beforehand (rare musical instruments, books, etc.), continue their existence gone. Was very morose, tried mantras (breathing strength / calm), finally enough Another person worked closely died; hadn't while, less devastating. These couple weeks; will difference, sure... If stop spiral control. coast next taking trip 8 days; it... terrible pain muscles arms legs, well surface right big toe?? don't know what from; Dr. blood tests which came negative, heard back moaning tears think, Then 800 mg bufferin hour. worrying completely incapacitated. idea point; scared every night. well; tend drop out. melatonin most nights more; it's easy foggy day. But mess, heading downward least place misery. does help good days (except recently news); bad, pessimistic usually (genocide, terror, etc. extremes play large part do). 10:00PM up 42 days, 20:55, 37 users, load averages: 0.06, 0.10, 0.08